Goblet of Fire Spoof
by Nerd.Is.A.Compliment
Summary: Basically this story is a spoof of "Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire" movie. It is really funny.
1. Scene 1

_**Goblet of Fire Spoof: Now a musical**_

SCENE ONE: That is totally not a word!

(It's night. Bones, Bones, Bones. Oh look, a snake comes out of the bones! And now it slithers towards a grim reaper with a tombstone!)

Me: So this is what they meant when they said they where aiming for a darker picture.

(The words "HARRY POTTER AND THE GOBLET OF FIRE" flash onto the screen in pretty silver letters and a slightly tweaked version of Hedwig's theme plays. Cut to Frank Bryce pottering around.)

Frank: Hummmm, hummmm, hummmmm…

Song: Be prepared (Based on "Be prepared" from The Lion King)

_Ludicrously over-amplified voices: Hum! Hum! Hum! Hum! _

_Ludicrously over-amplified Voldemort:  
I know that your powers of retention _

_Are as wet as a Grindylow's hide_

_But as thick as you are, Pay attention!'_

_We all get to commit homicide!_

_It's clear from your vacant expressions _

_Your brain clearly expresses no spark_

_But we're talking fully-fledged power here!_

_Even you can't be left in the dark!_

_So prepare for the chance of a lifetime _

_Prepare for sensational news! _

_A shiny new era is tiptoeing nearer_

_Ludicrously over-amplified Wormtail: _

_But where do we come in?_

_Ludicrously over-amplified Voldemort:_

_Shut up, cringing vermin!_

_I know it sounds sordid_

_But you'll be rewarded_

_In the graveyard with our friend, Harry_

_And in power again we shall be!  
Be ready!_

_Ludicrously over-amplified junior:_

_Ha ha, yeah! *twitch* We'll be ready! Uh… for what?_

_Ludicrously over-amplified Voldemort:_

_For the death of that kid! _

_Ludicrously over-amplified Wormtail:_

_Why, is he sick?_

_Ludicrously over-amplified Voldemort:_

_No, fool, we're gonna kill him… Cedric, too!_

_Ludicrously over-amplified junior:_

_Hey, Great idea! Who need a protagonist, anyway?_

_Ludicrously over-amplified Death Eaters: _

_Yay! Long live the protagonist! (etc.)_

_i.i.i.i.i.'s great that we'll soon be connected with a lord who'll be all time adored! _

_Ludicrously over-amplified Voldemort:_

_Of course, quid pro quo, you're expected_

_To take certain duties on board!_

_The future is littered with prizes_

_And I'm the one who'll get most_

_The point I am trying to emphasize is: _

_STAY LOYAL TO ME OR YOUR TOAST!_

_So prepare for the coup of the century_

_Be prepared for the murkiest scam_

_Meticulous planning_

_Tenacity spanning_

_Decades of denial _

_Is simply why I will_

_Rule all undisputed, respected, saluted_

_AND SEEN AS THE WONDER THAT'S ME!_

_Yes and my eyes and my plans are scary!_

_Be ready!_

_Be, be, be, be, be, be ready!_

_Muhuhuhuahuahuahuahua!!!!!!!_

_  
(Song ends)_

Frank: For someone who is both legally blind and nearly deaf, I sure can hear a person with a soft voice in a room an the top floor of a house with its door closed that's all the way up that hill, pretty loudly! (Limps over to the house. The camera is shaking and it's in black in white. Like an old horror film.)

(Frank walks over to the door to see a cradle with Wormtail and junior bending over it.)

Wormtail: (Looking creepier then Voldemort) Quidditch! Quidditch! Quidditch!

Evil baby Voldemort: Harry Potter! Harry Potter! Harry Potter!

Junior: (In quite a spiffy leather jacket) Auror! Auror! Auror!

Wormtail: Hogwarts! Hogwarts! Hogwarts!

Evil baby Voldemort: Are! We! Confusing! You! Frank! Bryce!?

Frank: Yes

People who haven't read the books: Us too

(A giant snake hisses over Frank's leg and into the room.)

Nagini: (With English subtitles) Hey master, Bellatrix is wondering of you reserved tickets to the last showing of "Chitty Chitty Bang Bang" on Broadway, because she wants to see the show before it closes.

Voldemort/Bellatrix shippers: YAY! Canon proof! I knew it was a good idea to take Parseltongue as a second language… (People with straitjackets come and take them away.

Junior: What did the snake say, Master?

Evil Baby Voldemort: Er… there's a muggle outside…???

Wormtail: Muggle! Muggle! Muggle!

Frank: Scratch what I said earlier about my hearing being excellent, because nothing they're saying makes sense.

Voldemort: Avada Kedavra!!!

Frank: That totally isn't a woooooooord… (He dies)

Me: And winning the award for most pointless character death in this series… FRANK BRYCE!


	2. Scene 2

SCENE TWO: The Whole Dratted Film in One Scene

(Harry wakes up. Hermione, dressed very preppily, is at the foot of his bed with a candle)

Harry: NOOOOOOOOO!!!

Hermione: What's wrong, Harry? Bad dream?

Harry: Yeah… 'cos there was this old guy? And he was, like, in a house with Voldemort? Only he was a baby? And Wormtail was there? And this dude who greatly resembled a human iguana? And he was wearing quite a spiffy leather jacket? And Voldemort's snake talked like Minnie Mouse and wanted to know if Voldemort had tickets to Chitty Chitty Bang Bang for a date with Bellatrix Lestrange, you know? And then the old guy, like totally, DIED. And Ron had girly hair and he was wearing a spaghetti strap leopard-print tank top, and you were, like, pretty, and there was some guy who looked like a male model and some hulking bald athlete and some blonde girl who apparently wasn't a fairy princess, except she like was, and yet another teacher who turned out to be evil, only he was really the dude who greatly resembled a human iguana? And we went to this sporting event where Ku Klux Klan members totally burned the place down. And, there was more to the dream, let's see, oh, I was in this contest type thing, and Ron, like, hated me, and so did everyone else, and Draco Malfoy got turned into a weasel- type thing and explored Crabbe's pants, because the evil teacher who actually seemed pretty cool at the time but actually wasn't but could see through junk and kept drinking out of a bottle, he totally turned Malfoy into a ferret. And Fred and George had beards and they were wrestling, and I think Hagrid had a girlfriend? And there was an evil writer who thought I was twelve and Dumbledore was shaking me and Sirius's head was, like, on fire, only it wasn't really his head because it was made out of charcoal. And then I was being chased around on my broom by this dragon thing, because I really wanted an egg, and I actually liked a girl, only she liked the male model. And then, and then, Ron, he was wearing a dress and he had to dance with McGonagall, and you were dancing with the hulking bald athlete, and Neville danced with Ginny, only he could actually dance like really well. And I believe Jarvis Cocker of Radiohead was there as well, singing about Hippogriffs. And then, Moaning Myrtle kept sneaking a look at me naked, and Neville gave me a snack that gave me gills, and I went underwater and rescued Ron and the fairy princess's sister from some seriously nasty mermaids, because the hulking bald athlete was totally a shark, and he saved you, and the girl that I actually liked got rescued by the male model. And then we went into this maze-type thingy, and the hulking bald athlete totally got possessed and he tried to kill the fairy princess and the male model, only I saved the male model, and we, like, won the contest. Only we ended up in the graveyard from the first part of my dream, and Wormtail totally cut off his own hand, and Voldemort was there and he killed the male model, and he was walking all over his face, and the other Ku Klux Klan members all came back, and Voldemort tried to kill me, except the male model, and the random old dude, and my parents, they all came back and they were singing a cheerful song, so I took the male model back to Hogwarts. So I was all crying on top of the male model, and then the evil teacher who was actually the dude who greatly resembled a human iguana tried to kill me, only Dumbledore made him totally not, and the real teacher was inside a box wearing white onesie, and so yeah, the evil teacher actually did everything and he made me be in the contest. And Ron wasn't going to write letters. And there was more, but I forget. Weird dream, wasn't it? Good thing it'll never come true!

Hermione: Being the omniscient character that I am, I must note that Harry's dream was the whole dratted film in one scene. But never mind. (Goes over to Ron's bed and rips back the covers) RONALD, wake UP!!!

Ron: (with girly hair and a leopard print spaghetti strap tank top) Bloody catchphrase! (Covers himself up)

Harry: (Observing Ron's odd attire) I have a strange and sudden feeling of déjà vu. Uh, Ron, passing over the odd attire, why are you covering yourself up? It's just Hermione!

Ron: (Blearily) Where?

Harry: There.

Ron: What, behind that pretty girl?

Hermione: (Smacking him in the face) Just wake UP!


	3. Scene 3

SCENE THREE: Very Strapping Indeed

(Arthur, Harry, Ron, Hermione, Ginny, George, and Fred NOT NECESSARILY IN THAT ORDER, are walking through a forest.)

Amos: (Is androgynous.)

Arthur: H'llo there, Amos! Where's Cedr—

(Cedric jumps out of a tree and nearly kills Mr. Weasley)

Cedric: (Looks like a male model) AIIIIIII COWABUNGA!!!

Arthur: Ah, that strapping young lad must be Cedric.

Amos: No, actually, he's Jarvis Cocker… Psych!!! Yes, that's Cedric. He's my son, and I'm extremely proud of him, even if he never has been quite the same since that Quidditch match last year. Apparently, the dementors sucked out his brain instead of his soul… passing over that, isn't he strapping?

Arthur: H'llo there, Cedric. You sure are strapping! What a fun word! Strapping, strapping, strapping!

Cedric: Er, thank you, sir… wait, is strapping contagious?

Amos: I'm not quite sure what it means myself, but in this particular screenplay, 'strapping' is a code word for 'completely moronic.'

Hermione: (Rolls her eyes at Ginny, who is too busy gazing dreamily at the strapping Cedric to take notice.)

Amos: On to… THE BOOT OF GLORY!!!

Boot inhabiting choir: Aaaaaahhhhhhhh!!!

Me: That'll be in the next Indiana Jones flick!

(Everyone grabs onto the boot, except for Harry)

Harry: Why is everyone touching the boot?

Fred: It's…

George: A…

Both: Portkey!!!

Harry: Well, that really clears things up. What in the name of Bob is a Portkey?

Hermione: Just hurry up and grab it!

Harry: But why?

Cedric: Looks like 'strapping' is contagious…

Absolutely everyone: GRAB THE GOSHDRATTED BOOT FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!

Harry: (Grabs the goshdratted boot for crying out loud.)

(There is a Hitchhikers' Guide to the Galaxy-esque Portkey. The kids let go and slam into the ground face-first.)

Ron: Ow. I need a chiropractor.

(Amos, Arthur, and Cedric walk gracefully down from the sky)

Arthur: Walk this way, kids!

Ron: (Grumbling) If I could walk that way, I wouldn't need a chiropractor!

Arthur: No, Ron, I meant to the tent... that rhymes… well, bye, Amos!

Harry: Bye, male mod… I mean, Cedric!

Ginny: He's very strapping indeed.

(They all go to the tent. It's quite large. Harry stares in strappingly wide-eyed awe.)

Harry: I love magic.

Hermione: (walking by with a book) I love to learn.

HP Fans: I LOVE YOU, HARRY!!!

Ron: That's my line!

(The twins look at him funny)

Ron: What?

Fred: We thought…

George: You liked…

Both: Viktor Krum!

Ron: Oh.


	4. Scene 4

SCENE FOUR: Klansmen and Gangstas—Yo Ho!

(Cut to the stadium. There seems to be quite a lot of 'cutting' here.)

Ron: Gaa, our seats are so far up!

Lucius: Hello, Weasleys. Pretend what I'm saying here is witty and rather nasty. By the way, I'm exceedingly wealthy. (He drops a bag labeled "More Galleons Than You'll See In Your Entire Life, Arthur Weasley") Oh, whoops, I must have dropped some of my pocket change. That's the forty-thousandth bag I've dropped today—at least I managed to find this one.

Draco: We're sitting with the Minister. He likes us because he's even stupider than Cedric Diggory. He bought me this entirely black ensemble consisting of a turtleneck, a blazer, tight pants, boots, and numerous silver rings. Doesn't this bling look good alongside my dad's gangsta cane?

Lucius: Don't boast, Draco. (Abuses him with the snake cane.)

Draco: Ha ha. That wasn't abuse. That was… a game. Because we have a perfect life. Let's find our seats, father, so we can watch the game before you set the whole place ablaze.

Lucius: (Abuses Harry with the snake cane) Insert vaguely ominous sentence that could be construed as a threat here, Potter! (Smirk that at once lets the subject of his smirking know that the smirker is not only an antagonist, but also extremely affluent, needs a hair cut, and abuses his son.)

Arthur: That's Lucius Malfoy for you. And I thought Ron needed a haircut. Despicable, isn't he?

Ron: Me, or Lucius Malfoy?

Hermione: You.

Harry: (Looking at her funny) Lucius.

Ginny: Ahhhh…. my Luscious… I mean, Lucius certainly is despicable, dad!

Fudge: Howdy, y'all, I'm Lucius's best bud Fudge, filling in for a certain Mr. Ludo Bagman, who was cut from this film for looking too much like Kenneth Branagh. Look, it's Ireland! Leprechaun, how charming! And now destroying the leprechaun is Bulgaria, led by the hulking bald athlete, Viktor Krum!

Hermione: I think I love him!

Both twins: Ron does too.

Fudge: And now, let the match BEGIN!!!

Harry: Right-o!

(Fudge dies, causing the match to be canceled as there is no commentator, due to the fact that Ludo Bagman was cut from the film for looking too much like Kenneth Branagh. The scene cuts to the tent again.)

Ron: (singing to the tune of the "William Tell Overture") Viktor Krum, Viktor Krum, Viktor Krum Krum Krum! Viktor Krum, Viktor Krum, Viktor Krum, Krum, Krum!

Fred: (singing) Viktor, I love you!

George: (singing)Viktor, I do!

Fred, George, and Harry: (singing)Viktor, my heart beats only for you!

Ron: Where did you get that song?

(Harry holds up a book. It is approximately the length of "Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix" and is entitled, "Viktor Krum Songs, By Ron Weasley")

Harry: This book.

Arthur: (Running inside) Quick, get to the Portkey! It's Lucius Malfoy! Run! He'll kill us all!

Hermione: What's wrong? Is he holding a dance-off against Draco again? Because that's always a disturbing sight!

Arthur: Worse! He and his Ku Klux Klan friends are setting the place ablaze!

Hermione: Who could have guessed? Draco only mentioned it blatantly a page ago!

Harry: Why would someone who wants to be a gangsta be in the Ku Klux Klan?

_Song: A Klansman's Life For Me (Based on "A Pirate's Life For Me" from Pirates of the Caribbean)_

Klan Members: Yo ho, yo ho, a Klansman's life for me.

Lucius Malfoy: (Rapping) Yo yo, yo yo, a gangsta's life for me.

Klan Members: We extort, we pilfer!

Argus Filch: We filch!

Klan Members: We sack!

Junior: (swigging Polyjuice) Drink up, me hearties, yo ho!

Wormtail: We maraud!

Klan Members: And embezzle, and even hijack!

Junior: Drink up me hearties, yo ho!

Klansmen: Yo ho, yo ho, a klansman's life for me.  
We kindle and char, inflame and ignite

Junior: Drink up me hearties, yo ho!

Klansmen: We burn up the campsite! We're really a fright!

Junior: Drink up me hearties, yo ho!

(The song ends)

Random Klansmen: Right-o, then, conga line! (Instigates a conga line. Someone grabs Ron and Hermione's shoulders and they're lost in the shuffle. Harry gets trampled to the ground.)

(Junior climbs out of the rubble, still wearing quite a spiffy jacket. His heavily-booted foot steps on a random charred thing, Ron's book of Viktor Krum songs, and Harry's head without notice.)

Junior: (Pointing his wand at the sky) Norsmordre! (Flicks his wand and a giant pink smilie Viking face appears in the sky.) Well… that's the wrong spell… MORSMORDRE! (A giant green skull appears in the sky. Junior licks his lips like an iguana.) Precious… (He goes away.)

(Harry conveniently wakes up just then.)

Ron: Hey, it's Harry! And… bloody catchphrase, did you just make a giant evil symbol of evil doom appear in the evil sky?

Hermione: We love you anyway, Harry.

Ron: Yeah...

Harry: Thanks, peeps. Wait, what?

Ron: You know I meant that in a platonic way, right, mate?

Harry: Obviously. I was talking about Hermione's statement of, 'I love you'. Some people would call the notion that she likes me in a way other than friends, 'delusional.'

Ron: She betta not.

(Barty Crouch sends a crazy death-incitin' barrage of spells his way.)

Arthur: STOP, YOU MURDER-HAPPY NUTCASE! THAT'S MY SON!

Barty Crouch: (In his helium enhanced voice) Yeah, well the guy who actually fired the spell at the sky is MY SON! (He pauses) Funny how those things are. Well, you three look about fourteen, and therefore incapable of casting the Dark Mark into the sky. (Another dramatic pause) Which one of you did it?

Harry: None of us. But there was a man who greatly resembled a human iguana.

Crouch: Who?

Harry: JARVIS COCKER!!!... Psych! Actually, no clue. It wasn't me, though.

Crouch: Are you sure about that?

Hermione: Er, question, Mr. Crouch. Is the bit about your son being a Klansman and your own striking resemblance to Hitler intentional, or is it simply an ironic coincidence?

Crouch: This is why I hate kids. (He leaves)

Ron: Wait, so you saw a man fire the Dark Mark into the sky?

Harry: Yeah.

Hermione: Whatever happened to Winky?

Harry: She was cut from the film.

Ron: Why, did she look too much like Kenneth Branagh?

Hermione: Winky was cut?! SPEW will make a big show of this, Mike Newell will never live it down!

Harry: Hermione, SPEW was cut, too! Surely you'll know this, as you're omniscient!

Hermione: They never told me that SPEW was cut! What, am I just supposed to… stand around and look pretty in this film?

Harry: That's about the size of it.

Hermione: Why would they cut SPEW?

Ron: Maybe you look too much like Kenneth Br—

(Hermione slaps him for the second time so far)

Harry: Ignore her. She's been like that ever since that incident with Draco Malfoy last year.

Hermione: Have not! (She slaps Harry)


	5. Scene 5

SCENE FIVE: Goodness Gracious Great Goblets of Fire  
(They are on the train)

Harry: Wait, how did we get here?

Hermione: Plot device, Mr. Frodo. Plot device.

Ron: Is now a good time to mention that Harry looks surprisingly like Frodo in this film?

Hermione: Yeah, and I also noticed that Luscious *cough* Lucius Malfoy could be Legolas, and Dobby is Gollum, and the Dementors are Ringwraiths, and Sirius is Aragorn, and Dumbledore is Gandalf, and Voldemort is Sauron when he doesn't have a body, and Ron is Sam, and Fred and George are Merry and Pippin, and… (she takes a breath)

Harry: (Cutting her off) This scene is very unnecessary. Let's just name the important bits.

Hermione: (Talking like Alvin the Chipmunk) Sirius! Sirius! Sirius!

Harry: (Talking like Alvin the Chipmunk) Write! Write! Write!

Hedwig: (Talking like Alvin the Chipmunk) Fly! Fly! Fly!

Candy lady: (Talking like Alvin the Chipmunk) Candy! Candy! Candy!

Ron: (Talking like Alvin the Chipmunk) Poor! Poor! Poor!

Cho: (Talking like Alvin the Chipmunk) Flirt! Flirt! Flirt!

Candy lady: (Talking like Alvin the Chipmunk) Candy! Candy! Candy!

Harry: (Talking like Alvin the Chipmunk) Rapture! Rapture! Rapture!

(Cut to the Great Hall)

Dumbledore: Yo, sup mah home dawgs, or rather, welcome back to another year at Hogwarts. Ignore the fact that I'm completely out of character for this entire film. You may notice that one Lucius Malfoy has given me a set of bling rings, but that's beside the point. The point is, this year, there's going to be A TRIWIZARD TOURNAMENT!

Kids: Dude. What's that?

(Filch comes in the door doing a demented silly walk-Riverdance)

Harry: What's with Filch's dance?

Neville: Didn't you know? There's a new rule at Hogwarts. You have to dance when you walk through the doors of the Great Hall!

Harry: Oh, so that explains why you waltzed in here, Neville.

Ron: (Whispering) No, he's always like that. He's under a curse. We don't talk about it.

Dumbledore: Right, as I was saying, here's Bo-BAT-inz and their lovely headmistress Madame Max-EEM.

Madame Maxime: I choose not to be offended by your terrible pronunciation. I'm bigger than that.

Seamus: You're bigger than everything!

(The Beauxbatons girls start ballet dancing like nuts.)

Random Beauxbatons girl: Butterflies come out of us when we sigh! Wait till you see what happens with our other bodily functions!

(A girl starts doing back flips and Fleur bows for no good reason.)

Harry: That was pretty cool, wasn't it, Ron? Uh, Ron???  
(Ron is staring at Fleur with hypno eyes and drool is pouring off of his tongue.)  
Ron: (In slow motion) Bloooooodyyyy (he faints)

Harry: Ha ha, that Ron is a real nut. I'm glad I'm not like tha—

Cho: *Flirt flirt*

Harry: (Falls off his chair and lies on his back grinning like a maniac with hearts emanating from his body, speaks in slow-mo) Waiiiit…. I forgeeeet whaaat I waaas saaaayiiiing…

Dumbledore: Yeah, so that was Beauxbatons, and… where is everybody? (Every guy in the entire place is lying on the ground in a catatonic stupor. Dumbledore continues in a rather defeated manner) And… here… comes… Durm…strang… I… think… I'll… sit… down… now…

Hermione: (To Ginny) Ha, those boys are so pathetic! Hilarious how they were ALL OVER girls they've never even met befo—

(The Durmstrang boys start dancing in with their lovely Kung Fu Spark Sticks. Viktor Krum winks at Hermione)

Hermione: GOODNESS GRACIOUS GREAT GOBLETS OF FIRE!

Ginny: Hypocrite! And you're acting like the boys are pathetic?

Hermione: No, silly, one of those Kung Fu Spark Sticks singed off my eyebrows!

Ginny: Oh. Cool.

(The boys are slowly waking up and crawling back into their seats)

Dumbledore: Right, then, to explain the Triwizard Tournament is my friend and yours, Mr. Barty Crouch from the Ministry of Magic, and appearing dramatically during the speech, Mr. Barty Crouch Junior from the Death Eater forces. Funny, that, innit?

Crouch: (Doing a very odd thing with his hands—watch the film to see what I mean) You can't enter the tournament unless you're seventeen, which limits the main characters at Hogwarts to Cedric Diggory, though of course, the protagonist will always find a loophole…

Harry: (whispering to Hermione) Hermione, why is Barty Crouch doing a very odd thing with his hands, almost as though he were playing invisible castanets?

Hermione: Oh, he's just upset about not getting a dramatic entrance.

Crouch:… which basically means that, as Fred and George Weasley are not the protagonists, they can't compete.

Fred: THAT'S—

George: RUBBISH!!! (The twins pelt Crouch with puddings)

Crouch: This is why I hate ki—

(Thunder and lightning. Mad-Eye Moody. Hard to decide which of the two is creepier.)

Moody: Hi! No, I'm not evil! *Twitch* Please note that I am blatantly drinking out of a bottle topped with a person's head!

Dumbledore: Ah! The man who just had the world's most dramatic entrance is your new Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher, and believe me, it's hard finding a successively weirder teacher each year. His name is… JARVIS COCKER!... Psych! Really, it's Alastor "Mad-Eye" Moody. Which sounds like the name of a British cowboy.

Moody: (Randomly killing a first year) CONSTANT VIGILANCE! THAT COULD HAVE BEEN YOU! PAY ATTENTION FOR *#%! SAKE!!! VOLDEMORT SHALL RETURN!!! *Twitch* *Swig*

Ron: He seems nice.

Dumbledore: So, those are the new members of the cast for this year. If you want to enter the contest, please feel free to chuck your name in the fire, where it will promptly burn to shreds and be ignored by everyone. It's already obvious that the school champions will be the hulking bald athlete, the fairy princess, the male model, and the protagonist! Y'all can go now!

People Who Haven't Read the Books: Wait, what's the Triwizard Tournament, again?

(The scene cuts to an extremely menacing looking Karkaroff closing the Great Hall doors so he can be alone with the Goblet)

Karkaroff: Divert suspicion from one of the film's numerous antagonists? WILL DO!


	6. Scene 6

SCENE SIX: The Dead Seamus Sketch

Moody: (speaking very fast) HELLLLL-O, I am Professor Moody, nope, most definitely not an evil impostor, and please ignore the blatant foreshadowing of this not-very-inconspicuous hip flask and the screaming trunk in my office. Yup. Any questions?! (Glares at the class)

Ron: Yes. Is now a good time to practice my scared-whimper face?

Moody: ABSOLUTELY NOT!!! (Throws chalk at him)

Ron: *Scared whimper*

Moody: *Twitch*

Neville: Raise your hand if you're terrified… (Everyone raises hand)

Moody: Ohhhh, you should be terrified, laddie. The dark arts are a many headed entity or whatever. You need to be brave. You need to pay attention. You need to be expecting an attack at any second… AVADA KEDAVRA!!! (Seamus falls dead to the floor.)

Dean: Sir, er, did you just kill Seamus?

Moody: Er… no…

Harry: Yes, you did! Don't lie to us, Professor!

Moody: No, Mr. Finnegan is just resting…

Ron: All right, then. If he's resting, I'll just wake him up. (Hollers in Seamus's ear) HELLO THERE, SEAMUS! I'LL GIVE YOU A NICE LOVELY BAG OF CHOCOLATE FROGS IF YOU MOVE!

Moody: (Nudging Seamus with his foot) There. He moved.

Neville: No, you were just nudging him with your foot!

Moody: I never!

Dean: Yes, you did! He's dead, admit it!

Moody: He's not dead… he's just… stunned.

Nearly everyone: (With the exception of Seamus) STUNNED?!?

Moody: Well… maybe he's just pinin' for the fjords!

Harry: Pining?! He's passed on!

Neville: Seamus is no more! He has ceased to be! He has expired and gone to meet his maker!

(Hermione experimentally picks up Seamus's carcass and hefts him on top of Moody's desk)

Ron: He's a stiff! Bereft of life, he rests in peace! If Hermione weren't holding him in the air, he'd be pushing up daisies! His metabolic processes are now history! He's kicked the bucket, he's shuffled off the mortal coil, run down the curtain and joined the bleeding choir invisible! THIS IS AN EX-STUDENT!!!

Moody: (Impatiently) Well, I guess I'd better replace him, then.

(A clapboard descends. We hear a director's voice)

Newell: No, when I said I wanted more British comedy in this film, that's not what I meant. Really, the Dead Parrot Sketch, I ask of you? All right, take two, and no Monty Python this time. Get out the replacement Seamus! Aaaand… rolling!


	7. Scene 7

SCENE SEVEN: Animal Cruelty

(Subtitle, "A Less Naughty Professor" flashes across screen)

Moody: Ohhhh, you should be terrified, laddie. The dark arts are a many headed entity or whatever. You need to be brave. You need to pay attention. You need to be expecting an attack at any second… (throws chalk at Seamus) CONSTANT VIGILANCE! (Settles down and takes a swig of his flask.) Right-o, then. Unforgivable curses. Who can tell me one?

Ron: Oh please, oh please, oh please don't call on me… (Slumps down approximately three feet lower than usual, rendering him only approximately a foot and a half taller than Harry.)

Moody: (Looking at him) Okay, you, Miss.

Ron: I'm a boy!!!

Moody: I'm sorry, I have a cold.

Hermione: I told you to get a haircut!

Ron: (Standing up next to Moody. One notices an odd resemblance between them.) The Imperius Curse…

Moody: Yep! And to terrify Mr. Weasley even more, look, giant spiders! (Scoops one up.) Hell-ooo there!

Ron: If I didn't know better, I'd think he was hitting on that spider.

(Moody makes the spider huge and drops it on Ron's head, dancing around in the thick pile carpet of his hair)

Ron: Heyyy! A chance to use the second of my two facial expressions: open-mouthed stupidity and scared whimper! *Whimper whimper*

(The spider jumps onto Seamus's head)

Seamus: (Replacement) (Goes rigid and puts on a shamrock top hat) Aye, sure'n begorrah!

Harry: (Whispering) What's wrong with Seamus?

Hermione: (Whispering) Ah, that's the cheap Wal-Mart generic brand make of Seamus. He comes with five handy Irish phrases.

Seamus: Hey, keep away from me lucky charms!

Draco: (Sneering) Ha! The gits who are scared of spi… (the spider lands on his head) MOMMY!!! GAA! Getitoffgetitoffgetitoff!!! (Crabbe and Goyle help beat away the spider)

Moody: Great! Ha ha! I love torturing both animals and students simultaneously! Should I make her throw herself out a window or drown herself?

Draco: (Eagerly) YES, PLEASE!!!

Moody: Huh, there's one in every bunch… well, I don't have time for that. LONGBOTTOM!!! I hear you're good at… (ominous pause) HERBOLOGY!!!

Neville: (Practically wetting his pants in fear) Yes, sir, but if it bothers you, I won't do it any more…

Moody: TELL ME A CURSE!

Neville: (Making a valiant effort to talk around his fake teeth) The Cra… the Cre… the Cruciatus Curse?

Moody: Yeah. Your major plot point, innit? Well, watch this, and I'll have fun watching your pain! CRUCIO!!!

(Neville's reactions perfectly parallel that of the spider. Moody is clearly enjoying this)

Spider: (Close-up) *Twitch*  
Neville: (Close-up) *Twitch Twitch*  
Spider: (Closer-up) *Cringe*  
Neville: (Closer-up) *Cringe Cringe*  
Spider: (OMGSOCLOSE) *Convulse*  
Neville: (OMGSOCLOSE) *Convulse Convulse*

Hermione: STOP! CAN'T YOU SEE IT'S BOTHERING HIM!?!?!

(There is a terrible silence. Moody stares at her with his creepy eye. The only sound is the solitary voice of Seamus Finnegan.)

Seamus: Top o' the mornin'!

Moody: Stop, eh? Why should I stop? I haven't disturbed everyone in the class yet! Our protagonist is still mildly unshaken!

Hermione: Because I'm going to call in PETA!

(Another silence)

Hermione: I SAID, I'm going to call in PETA!

(The door breaks down, and three PETA people run in)

PETA Guy: Sorry we're late.

PETA Girl: We were busy flinging red paint at Karkaroff's fur coat.

PETA Androgynous Person: So, where were we? (Music begins to play, as Moody starts Avada Kedavraing spiders left and right.)

_Song: Animal Cruelty (Based on "The Cruelty Stomp" from a truly horrible musical called "Starmites.")_

Moody: There's a crazy little curse that's been going around  
It'll suck the life out of ya with its magical sound  
With a simple flick of my wand, I can just murder you!  
It's my favorite spell, I know that you'll love it too!

PETA Guy: That's animal cruelty!

PETA Girl: That's animal cruelty!

PETA Androgynous Person: That's animal cruelty!

PETA Reps: That's animal cruelty, stop!

Moody: With Imperio, you make  
Them do your will Crucio's a piece of cake It hurts but won't kill. But Avada Kedavra

PETA Reps: It's just animal cruelty!

PETA Guy: That's animal cruelty!

PETA Girl: That's animal cruelty!

PETA Androgynous Person: That's animal cruelty!

PETA Reps: That's animal cruelty, stop!

(End of song. PETA leaves)

Moody: Well, that was odd. Where was I? Oh, yeah! AVADA KEDAVRA!

(Spider dies)

(Cut to hall after class)

Harry: (Very shaken) That class was… interesting. The way that spider got killed by the Avada Kedavra curse…

Ron: (Not at all shaken) Your mum got killed by the Avada Kedavra curse!

(Harry bursts out crying)

Ron: Was it something I said?

(Harry runs to the official Stained Glass Window of Crying)

Neville: Join the club.

Fan girls: Isn't Neville cute when he cries?

Newell: Focus on Harry, girls, not the nerdy kid!

Fan girls: What, you mean the short kid who greatly resembles Elijah Wood?

Newell: Yes. (Goes to make a list of ways to keep the fan girls from liking Neville. We will see this list in scene 7 and ¾)

(Zoom in on the official Stained Glass Window of Crying. It suspiciously resembles the animation in Monty Python. Nearly Headless Nick walks by. He is doing the Ministry of Silly Walks.)


	8. Scene 7 34

SCENE SEVEN AND ¾: Getting Rid of Neville's Fan Girls

(Neville walks into Newell's office, which greatly resembles Dumbledore's)

Newell: You know why you're here, boy?

Neville: Yes, sir. Apparently, I have too many fan girls.

Newell: Precisely. I recommend we give you a set of fake buckteeth.

Neville: Already got that, sir.

Newell: Oh. We could, er, put plastic inserts behind your ears to make them stick out!

Neville: You've done that too, sir.

Newell: We could give you shoes that are two sizes too big so that you walk funny.

Neville: You've done that, too.

Newell: We could give you a terribly unfashionable wardrobe.

Neville: You've done that as well, sir.

Newell: We could give you an absolutely horrendous name and the personality of a nerdy and pathetic loser.

Neville: J.K. Rowling did that, sir.

Newell: Blast. (Takes out his magic wand and waves it over Neville's head. In sparkly gold letters levitating in midair, it says 'I AM A LITTLE TWERP AND I WEAR WHITEY-TIGHTIES. WHICH I HAVEN'T CHANGED SINCE MY FIRST YEAR.")

Fan girls: NEVILLE! (They mob him.)

Newell: Double blast. (He adds the sentence, 'AND I CARRY CONTAGIOUS STUPIDITY' to the sign)

Fan girls: NEVILLE! (They mob him)

Newell: Blast, blast, blast, blast ended skrewts!!! (He bangs his head against the wall.)


	9. Scene 8

SCENE EIGHT: Way to Kill Harry Potter Number 9,876,789 and ½

(Kids are putting their names in the Goblet of Fire)

Cedric's Fan Posse: Yeah, Cedric, put your name in the goblet!

Ron: (Eagerly) Hi Cedric!!!

Cedric: (Ignores him entirely as he puts his name in his goblet.)

Ron: What a snob.

Hermione: Yes. But you have to admit, he's very strapping indeed.

Ron: True.

Fred: WELL—

George: WE'VE—

Fred: DONE—

George: IT!

Both: (In perfect unison) We've brewed an age potion that will allow us to cross the line and place our name in the Goblet of Fire!

Harry: I've always wondered how they talk in such perfect unison…

Hermione: (Stares directly into camera, using dreadful sing-song voice) It's not going to wo-ork.

(Fred and George invade her personal space bubble)

Fred: What--

George: Makes--

Fred: You--

George: Say--

Both: That?

Hermione: I'm perfect. And omniscient, remember?

Fred: Oh, yeah. How could I forget?

George: Naturally… hey, is 'omniscient' contagious?

(They take the potion and hop over the age line, placing their names in the cup)

Fred: Yes! We've outwitted Dumbledore!

George: We've out-outwitted Dumbledore!

(The thang spits them out and they grow beards)

Hermione: Looks like Dumbledore out-out-outwitted you!

Ron: Yes, but you have to admit, they beat him in the beard department.

(Fred and George begin throttling each other)

Both: You can't kill me! I'm the attractive twin!

Krum: (Entering with entourage) I'm too cool to notice two old men vrestling in the middle of the Great Hall. (He puts his name in the goblet and stares pointedly at Hermione.)

Hermione: (Plops down with a book) Ew, hulking Bulgarian athletes

Krum: (Leaning toward Hermione) Hey, eef I said you had a beautiful body, vood you hold it against me? (Hermione thwacks him upside the face.) I zeenk I love her.

(Cut to later that day)

Dumbledore: We've all gathered here today to watch the title object of this film pick three champions to compete. They were selected by an extensive and in-depth process involving me closing my eyes and pointing at the cast list.

(The fire in the goblet turns red and a piece of paper flies out)

Dumbledore: The Durmstrang champion is…JARVIS COCKER!!! Psych! It's really VIKTOR KRUM!!!

Ron: (About faints with glee) Bloody catchphrase, it's Viktor Krum!

(The goblet spits out another name. This one is on perfumed stationery edged with gold lace and gilt birds in flight all over it.)

Dumbledore: The Bo-BAT-inz champion is Fleur Delacour!

Ron: (Falls off his seat with glee) Bloody catchphrase, it's Fleur Delacour!  
Dumbledore: And the Hogwarts champion is the strapping Cedric Diggory… wait, that can't be right. What about the protagonist? This film isn't called Cedric Diggory and the Goblet of Fire!

Fan girls: We wish!

Dumbledore: Okay, HARRY STINKIN' POTTER, get up here! (Starts foaming at the mouth)

(Harry stands up, then sits down. The replacement Seamus gives him a big shove, and he falls flat on his face. After peeling himself off the ground, he walks very meekly up to the stage, looking back at Ron.)

Ron: Guess what? You know how my two facial expressions are open-mouthed stupidity and my scared whimper? I've learned a new one. The pouty scowl. And I like it a lot. So I may never take it off my face.

Snape: (Writes on a scrap of parchment. The camera zooms in on it. It reads: "Way to Kill Harry Potter Number 9,876,789 ½: Get someone to enter him in the Triwizard Tournament. Sit back and watch. Laugh.


	10. Scene 9

SCENE 9: Ron Weasley's Stupid Friend

(In a little room off of the Great Hall, with the teachers)

Harry: Well, this stinks.

(Psycho Dumbledore runs toward Harry with a horde of angry Mongrels… teachers, that is, teachers, behind him. Madame Maxime is slamming lamps, and Dumbledore is slamming Harry.)

Dumbledore: (Slamming Harry against the wall, screaming in his face and shaking him like a paint mixer) DID YOU PUT YOUR *#%! NAME IN THE *#%!ing GOBLET OF *#%! FIRE?! DID YOU? DID YOU? HUH? HUH? HUH?

Harry: (Whimpering) Mimblewimble?

Karkaroff: Aha! In my country, that means, 'fashizzle, mah homie G!' (Everyone stares at him) Or… the local slang equivalent.

Harry: I… I didn't… please don't kill me…

Dumbledore: Ratsnacks. (He puts away a giant mace that he had pulled out of his pocket and was brandishing at Harry.)

Crouch: Yeah, well, Harry, ya have to compete. Stinks to be you. Good luck surviving.

Moody: You tell 'im, Daddy! (Everyone stares at him) You know… big daddy-o… it's an American colloquialism… yeah… (he trails off.)

Krum: So! Do I get to do anything in this film besides standing around and looking pretty?

Fleur and Cedric: That's our job!

Krum: Do I get to do anything in this film besides standing around and looking stupid?

Newell: That's Neville's job!

Fan girls: NEVILLE!!! (They mob him.)

Newell: (Dialing his cell phone) Hello, Ms. Rowling? I was wondering if I could put a twist on the ending of this film, where Neville dies instead of Cedric? No? Well, could I make him be the one who put Harry's name in the goblet and was Voldemort's most loyal supporter, then? NO!?!? So uncool…

(The scene shifts to the teachers, but not Harry and the other champions.)

Dumbledore: Lalala… (Sticks his memories into the pensieve.)

McGonagall: Albus, now is not the time to be extricating excess earwax.

Snape: Try saying that five times fast…

Dumbledore: So, yeah, how 'bout that little protagonist… I mean, Potter… being in the contest?

McGonagall: Well, obviously, he can't compete. Potter is a boy, not a piece of meat!

Fan girls: (Wearing bibs labeled "Dan is Juicy") We beg to differ!

Dumbledore: But Crouch said he had to… and I've already bought my "Potter for Prime Minister" t-shirt!

McGonagall: Right, so, darn that old guy and his stupid rules.

Ghost of James Potter: I like you.

Snape: I think we should let him compete. Mwahahahahaha. I'm evil, note that I'm evil, because it will be very important in later books.

McGonagall: If he competes, he might die!

Snape: (Doing a cheesy and evil grin and steepling his fingers) Preciiiiisely.  
McGonagall: Severus, to be absolutely blunt… you're totally bonkers. A right loony. Out of your tree, up the wall, and into the bat cave!

Dumbledore: I agree…

McGonagall: *Smirk smirk*

Dumbledore: … with Severus.

Snape: *Smirk smirk* (OF EVILNESS!)

McGonagall: Er, Albus, are you sure that that's earwax and not your brain that you're pulling out of your ears?

(Snape is running around singing and dancing)

_Song: Snape's Victory Song (Based on "Oh What A Beautiful Morning" from Okalahoma)_

Snape: (singing) There's a dark grayish smog in the air now!  
There's a dark grayish smog in the air  
The tension's as high as a hippogriff's eye!  
And I'm feeling so happy I think I might die!

McGonagall: Please do.

Snape: Ha ha. Oh what a beautiful morning!  
Oh what a beaujl day!  
Harry might die and you don't care!  
Everything's going my way! OH WHAT A BEAUTIFULLLL DAAAAAAAAAAAY!

(He is given the hook, probably with Lucius Malfoy's gangsta cane, and the song ends.)

(The scene shifts again to the dormitory)

Ron: (Is pacing back and forth. Harry is just sitting there.) Harry, what I'm trying to say is… what I mean to ask you is… I just want to know… DON'T YOU THINK THESE CURTAINS ARE UGLY?!

Harry: Er, yes…but… was that really what you were trying to work up the courage to ask me? (He raises an eyebrow)

Ron: No. (Takes several deep breaths) Harry, how did you do it?

Harry: Do what? Raise my eyebrow? Years of practice and the finest theatrical schools. Why?

Ron: No, what I meant was… (bursts into tears) HOW DID YOU PUT YOUR NAME IN THE GOBLET OF FIRE, AND WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME HOW TO DO IT? I THOUGHT YOU CARED ABOUT ME! I THOUGHT I MEANT SOMETHING TO YOU! (Harry looks at him, with his other eyebrow raised.) What? You know I meant that in a platonic way, right?

Harry: Duh. What surprised me was, how could you get mad at me? You're supposed to be my compliant little comical sidekick! What's happened to you, stupid?

Ron: (sniveling) Yeah, stupid, that's me. I'm just Ron Weasley, Harry Potter's stupid little friend.

Theatre audiences: Awww…

Harry: Yeah, well, I don't want eternal glory! I just want to be… Ron Weasley's stupid little friend!

Ron: Well, you've certainly got the 'stupid' part covered. As for the rest, you're gonna need to work on it.

Theatre audiences: Ooooh, nice burn!

Ron: (As Harry climbs into bed) Thank you for complimenting me on my burn. I got it from one of the dragons that I'm not going to tell Harry about.

Harry: Everyone hates me.

Ron: (Close up. He is making a sweet, angelic face.) Oh, why don't you teach your mum to *#%! off!

Harry: (Bursts into tears) WAAAAAAAAH!

Ron: What?


	11. Scene 10

SCENE TEN: He Then Proceeded To Eat My Handbag

(There is a huge poof of smoke. As it clears, a menacing figure dressed in a metallic green dress steps forward, eyes evil slits.)

Me: As if there weren't already enough antagonists…

Voldemort, Snape, Wormtail, Junior, Lucius, Draco, Crabbe, and Goyle: I resent that!

Vernon, Petunia, Marge, and Dudley: Us, too, and we're not even in the film!

Rita Skeeter: (For she is the menacing figure) Hi, I am Rita Skeeter, attractive blonde reporter for the Daily Prophet, here to irritate you all and add further misery to the protagonist's lives! (Stands between Cedric and Harry and puts an arm around them.) Note the irony—here I am standing between the boy who lived and the boy who… well, I won't give anything away from what I learned in my little jaunt to the end of the screenplay. Anyway, I need to find out what makes champions tick!

Cedric: I tick when I wear a watch! (He holds his ear up to his wrist) Look, my wrist ticks!

Rita: Lovely, dear. What I meant was, what's your motivation in life?

Cedric and Harry: CHO CHANG! (They glare at each other)

Fleur: Moi! (Blows a kiss at her reflection in a mirror)

Viktor: (Doesn't say anything at all.)

Rita: Oooh, the strong, silent type. Now, what character those rosy cheeks hide? (Slaps Fleur upside the face. Blood pours from her ears) What mysteries do the muscles mask? (Squeezes Viktor's arm, popping a major artery.) What lies beneath those curls? (Plays with Cedric's hair lovingly.)

Harry: (Muttering) A big, empty hole where his brain ought to go…

Rita: Basically, I want to find out the truth about y'all. Which is why I am going to make up a pack of dirty rotten lies. Savvy? (Doesn't wait for a response) Right, then. (Grabs Harry by the arm and drags him to a broom cupboard.)

Rita: This is cozy.

Rita/Harry Shippers: YAY! Canon proof! We knew it all along! (They continue in this vein until men with straitjackets drag them off to St. Mungo's.)

Harry: It's a broom cupboard.

Rita: Then you should feel right at home. (Harry bursts into tears) So, Harry, you're twelve, stupid, emotionally immature, and you're SHORT! How do you feel about that?

Harry: (Still sobbing) I am NOT emotionally immature.

Rita: Mmm. So, why'd you enter?

Harry: I didn't.

Rita: Oh, right, right. (Reads aloud what the Quick Quotes Quill wrote) The… voice… of… John… Lennon… told… me… to… in… a… dream…

Harry: What?!

Rita: Everyone loves a rebel, Harry. Shall we rewind to scene nine?

McGonagall: Right, so, darn that old guy and his stupid rules.

Ghost of James Potter: I like you.

Rita: See? (Reads aloud what the Quick Quotes Quill wrote) By… the… way… Rita… I… simply… adore… your… shoes… I… have… a… pair… just… like… them…

Harry: (Looking at the notepad) Hey, my eyes aren't gleaming with the ghost of my past! (They totally are.)

Rita: Oh, whoops! I accidentally wrote something accurate! Let me edit that bit for you. (Reads aloud what the Quick Quotes Quill wrote) Harry's… eyes… turned… red… and… swirly… and… he…then…proceeded… to… eat… my… handbag…

Harry: WHAT?!

(Harry goes to the Common Room. There is a newspaper there. The headline is, "HARRY POTTER ENJOYS NUDE CAMEL RACING! Exclusive Interview Reveals All." He crumples it up and tosses it in the fire.)

Sirius: Oy, watch it!

Harry: What in the name of Bob….?

Sirius: It's me! Sirius!

Harry: If I didn't know better, I'd think that that lump of charcoal looked a lot like Sirius. I have got to stop eating those hallucinogenic lollipops from the Prisoner of Azkaban. (Author's note: This is a reference to my POA spoof

Sirius: Wait, so it's perfectly normal for you to fight dragons and mermaids and guys with no nose and bright white skin and a high voice who aren't Michael Jackson but not normal for me to talk to you in charcoal briquette form? Listen, I'm here into misleading you and the audience into thinking that Karkaroff is evil instead of Mad-Eye Moody.

Harry: Karkaroff?

Sirius: Yes. He was once a Klansman. And he has worse teeth than me. He must be evil.

Harry: Seriously?

Sirius: How did you know my middle name was Lee?

Harry: Erm… moving along… Sirius, when you really like a girl but you don't know how to tell her, what do you do?

Sirius: Well, you…

(There is a noise. Harry gasps and Sirius disappears as Ron comes ambling down the stairs.)

Ron: (Is whistling the song "I Got Spurs," but stops abruptly when he sees Harry) Who ya talking to? Giving another interview? (Harry scowls) Oh, shot down! (Beats his hand against his chest, kisses it, and gives Harry the peace sign)

Harry: Uh… please don't do that… anyway, who says I was talking?

Ron: Me?

Harry: Oh, well, in that case, it must have just been you imagining things. It wouldn't be the first time. Like, that one time, when you swore up and down that Neville's grandmother was really Voldemort, and you tackled her to the ground in that apothecary in Diagon Alley, and that other time when you almost drowned in a vat of tapioca pudding because you thought that…

Ron: I don't need to be reminded. So… shut up!

Harry: Not if I don't want to! (They glare at each other.)

Ron: Your mum wants you to shut up! (Harry bursts into tears again and Ron snorts and leaves the room.) He is such an easy target. He'll make himself an enemy one of these days.

Voldemort, Snape, Wormtail, Junior, Lucius, Draco, Crabbe, Goyle, Vernon, Petunia, Marge, and Dudley: (sarcastically) Oh? Like who?


	12. Scene 11

SCENE ELEVEN: Lord Voldemort Told The Squid

(Harry is sitting by the lake. Neville is pulling plants out of the water)

Newell: Way to keep the fan girls off of Neville number 47… give him an annoying habit, like talking to himself.

Neville: Amazing! Amazing! Yes, Neville, I think it's amazing too. Do you really? Yes, I do. What sort of plant is this? I don't know. What do you think, Neville? Me? I think it's a…

Harry: Neville, you're doing it again!

Neville: Oh. Sorry.

Fan girls: NEVILLE! (They mob him.)

Newell: GARRRGH!

(Enter Ron, Hermione, and Ginny. They seem to be arguing.)

Hermione: No, I will NOT call Harry a 'poo-poo head,' Ron. If you want to insult him like a mentally handicapped three year old, you can do it yourself.

Ron: Well, can you give Harry my message at least?

Hermione: (Massive sighs and eye-rolling) All right. Harry? (Harry looks up) RONALD here wanted me to tell you that Percy sent him a Ministry of Magic decree that says that Fudge was notified by Dobby, who heard it from Colin Creevey, who found out from Snape, who said that Parvati sent Firenze an email that she had received from Madame Maxime, who had found out that Cedric overheard Aberforth Dumbledore telling his goats, that Kingsley Shacklebolt read in The Daily Prophet, that Sirius suddenly remembered being informed by Draco Malfoy, who found out from your Aunt Marge, who saw on the television that Oliver Wood watched as Voldemort told the Giant Squid… that your fly is down.

Harry: Huh?!

Hermione: Percy sent Ron a Ministry of Magic decree that says that Fudge was notified by Dobby, who heard it from Colin Creevey, who found out from Snape, who said that Parvati sent Firenze an email that she had already received from Madame Maxime, who had found out that Cedric overheard Aberforth Dumbledore telling his goats, that Kingsley Shacklebolt read in The Daily Prophet, that Sirius suddenly remembered being informed by Draco Malfoy, who found out from your Aunt Marge, who saw on the television that Oliver Wood watched as Voldemort told the Giant Squid… that your fly is down. ALSO, Hagrid wants to see you.

Harry: Well, you can just tell RONALD here that…

Hermione: (Screeching) I'M NOT AN OWL!

Harry: Sound like a screech owl to me…

Hermione: (Slaps him in the face, as she is wont to do of late.)

(Cut to the forest with Hagrid)

Harry: Hi, Hagrid. Apparently, Percy sent Ron a Ministry of Magic decree that says that Fudge was notified by Dobby, who heard it from Colin Creevey, who found out from Snape, who said that Parvati sent Firenze an email that she had already received from Madame Maxime, who had found out that Cedric overheard Aberforth Dumbledore telling his goats, that Kingsley Shacklebolt read in The Daily Prophet, that Sirius suddenly remembered being informed by Draco Malfoy, who found out from Aunt Marge, who saw on the television that Oliver Wood watched as Voldemort told the Giant Squid… that my fly is down. ALSO, you wanted to see me.

Hagrid: Huh! I went right up to Hermione and said, "Can you tell Harry that I want to see him?" She didn't have to go through all of that.

Newell: It was for comic relief!

Hagrid: Whatever. So…

Harry: Wait a minute. Hagrid, have you combed your hair?

Hagrid: May-be…

Harry: Are you going all metro on me?

Hagrid: Maybe I'd better not tell you about my manicure and my back-waxing. (They are met by Madame Maxime.) Ah! It's Oh-lomp Max-eem! Bong sewer, Oh-lomp!

Maxime: (Perfectly capable of normal speech but trying to make a point.) 'Ello 'AGreed! (They smooch each other long and hard right then and there.)

Harry: So Hagrid took me here to learn to snog?!

Maxime: What was that noise?

Hagrid: Just an owl.

Hermione: (Running by flapping her arms) I'm NOT an owl!

(They go to a clearing where a massive caged dragon is breathing fire on trees, the bars of its cage, and an ominously charred random object that might just be Charlie Weasley.)

Dragon: KRAWWWRRRLKG!!!

Maxime: Oh, Hagrid, it's absolutely beautiful!

Dragon: KRAWWWRRRLKG!!!

Maxime: Er, this is the part where you're supposed to say, "Yes, but not as beautiful as you, Olympe."

Hagrid: But… that's not true…

Harry: I'm bustin' out of this joint! (The dragon bursts forth from its cage.) Unless the dragon does first!


	13. Scene 12

SCENE TWELVE: Those Are Anteaters, Cedric

(Harry is walking down the hall. At the sight of him, students laugh, scream, projectile-vomit, throw knives, go into fits of convulsion, and/or hurl themselves out of seventh-story windows.)

Harry: Hi, lovely day isn't it?

Random kid: (Bob) EW, YOU STINK, POTTER!

Random kid 2: (Steve) POTTER, YOU STINK!

Random kid 3: (Joe) POTTER STINKS, HAHA!

Harry: Oh, dear, I knew I should have taken a shower last month…

Draco: Oy, *P*o*TT*er! Li*K*e the ba*DG*es? Le*TS* *S*ee how many *T*ime*S* I can *SP*i*T* in a *S*en*T*en*C*e!!!

English translation: Oy, Potter! Like the badges? Let's see how many times I can spit in a sentence!

(The badges say "POTTER STINKS!")

Harry: 'Potter Stinks,' eh? Well, I'm devastated now. Where did you get that insult, Dora the Explorer? Ha ha!

Draco: (Stiffly) I'll have you know that I got that insult from Blues Clues, thankyouverymuch!

Harry: (Continuing to laugh) Well, that is the lamest insult ever! I suppose you expect me to burst out crying?

Random Kid 4: (Clyde) POTTER, YOUR MUM STINKS!

Harry: (Bursts out crying) WAAAAAAAH!

(He goes outside. Cedric is lying in a bench. His posse of adoring fans is feeding him grapes, batting their eyelashes, and drooling. And these are the GUYS we're talking about!)

Bob: (The same one who said 'POTTER, YOU STINK!') Oh, Cedric, our great leader, say something profound and meaningful!

Cedric: I like grapes… (His fan posse 'ooohs' and 'aaahs.')

Steve: I wish I could say profound and meaningful things like that!

Harry: Hi, Cedric!

Fan Posse: POTTER STINKS, HA HA HA! AREN'T WE CLEVER?

Cedric: Hello, there Harry.

Fan Posse: POTTER STINKS, HA HA!

Cedric: Hey, fan possum?

Joe: (Whispering) It's 'posse,' oh strapping one!

Cedric: I knew that. Well, anyway, fan posse, could you kindly shut up?

Fan Posse: POTTER ST—(They stop abruptly and salute) YES, EXALTED MASTER!

(Cedric and Harry go behind a tree.)

Harry: CEDRIC, THE FIRST TASK IS DRAGONS?

Cedric: (Studying his nails and humming 'I Got Spurs') Mmmm…

Harry: Cedric, WE HAVE TO FIGHT DRAGONS! DRAGONS!!! DO YOU READ ME?!?!

Cedric: Dude, no, I can't read the Harry Potter books! Too many big words. I'm still working on Spot Goes to the Circus!

Harry: That's not the point! The point is, we have to fight dragons! You do know what a dragon is, don't you?

Cedric: 'Course I do. I've seen 'em at the zoo!

Harry: The zoo?!

Cedric: Of course! Brown, fuzzy things about so high (holds his hand at knee level), they eat ants, they have long noses, and they smell kind of funny?

Harry: Those are anteaters, Cedric. Dragons are green, scaly things about fifty foot high, they eat people, the shoot fire out of their noses, and they have teeth about two foot long? (He holds up a picture. Cedric looks at it, screams, and faints.)

(Harry walks past and just so happens across Ron, who is talking to Seamus)

Seamus:… and so the bartender says, "Why don't you just take your pot of gold and…"

Harry: You know what, Ron? You annoy me. And you like Hermione.

Ron: No I don't.

Harry: Yes you do.

Ron: No I don't.

Harry: Yes you do.

Ron: No-I-don't!

Harry: Yes-you-do!

Ron: No-I-don't!

Harry: Yes-you-do!

Ron: SO DO YOU!!!

Harry: Oh, all right, but it'll just be our little secret.

Ron: Don't worry, Harry. I won't tell a soul. (The camera zooms in on his face.) Hey, Hermione! HARRY LIKES YOU! (The camera pulls back to reveal Harry, two feet away from Ron and looking annoyed.) Oh. This… is… awkward.

Harry: Yeah. Well. You're a git. Stay away from me.

Seamus: SHOT DOWN!!! (Goes rigid) Ahhh…. begorrah!


	14. Scene 13

SCENE THIRTEEN: The Mysterious Tattoo of A Spaghetti Squash

(Harry goes off toward a tree. Where Draco is sitting, probably picking the random apples that he'd been eating all during Prisoner of Azkaban.)

Draco: (Still spitting) Hey, Potter! My father and I have a bet about how long you'll survive during the first task. I said you'd last ten minutes. But he disagrees. He says you'll only last five. And then, for disagreeing with my elders, he abused me with his snake ca-- NO HE DIDN'T!

Harry: I don't give a damson plum about your father, Malfoy, and I wouldn't even if I had one! He's cruel, he's vile, and he needs a haircut.

Draco: And you're short! (He whips out his wand) AVADA KE—

Moody: OH NO YOU DI'NT, LADDIE! (He turns Malfoy into a ferret and bounces it up and down) This—is—surprisingly—fun—really… (Forces the ferret down Crabbe's pants)

(Clyde walks by to see Crabbe with a ferret in his pants.)

Clyde: What the--

Crabbe: I can explain…

(We never do get to hear Crabbe's excuse, because McGonagall enters the room.)

McGonagall: Hello there, Potter, Professor Moo—PROFESSOR MOODY, IS THAT A FERRET!?

Moody: Technically, it's a greasy little loser…

McGonagall: You can't torture a ferret on school property!

Moody: And why's that?

McGonagall: Because I'll call PETA on you!

_(Enter the PETA girl, the PETA guy, and the PETA androgynous person. Music begins to play.)_

Song: Animal Cruelty Reprise  
PETA girl: Woah, that crazy guy is bouncing that poor ferret around!  
PETA guy: He is smashing the poor mustelid hard into the ground!  
PETA androgynous person: Oh, Moody, don't you realize that's the wrong thing to do?  
PETA reps: It isn't very nice and it's illegal, too!  
Girl: It's animal cruelty!  
Guy: It's animal cruelty!  
Androgynous Person: It's animal cruelty!  
Reps: It's animal cruelty, STOP!  
Moody: Hey, people, wait, wait, wait!  
(The music stops and the PETA reps stop dancing)

Moody: That's not a ferret. That's the same boy who wanted to watch the spider drown itself in Scene Seven. Do you have a problem with me smashing him into the ground?

Reps: Oh. Nope. (They all leave. Draco turns back into a dude, considerably lessening his attractiveness.)

Draco: (Seething, with his hair all over the place) He turned me into a ferret!

Goyle: A ferret?

Draco: I got better...Ohhhh, you just wait, Moody. When my Daddy hears about this, he'll come right over here with his scary abusive snake cane, and he will…

Moody: Your father, eh? I could tell you stories about your father that would curl even your greasy hair, boy.

Draco: Oh? Like what?

Moody: Like that time when he had that French maid costume on and he went into the seafood restaurant, and when he passed by the lobster tank, he… (There are construction noises in the background. Airplanes pass loudly overhead. A kid walks by carrying a massive ghetto blaster, pumping out the song "I Can't Get No Satisfaction" extremely loudly. These noises block out Moody's story entirely, but you can see his mouth moving and his very big, very violent looking gestures, and the horrified expressions of the crowd of onlookers.) … and after the poor lady had pulled the fish fork out of her cyst… (The film messes up and there are black and white zigzags on the screen.) … which would explain the mysterious tattoo of a spaghetti squash on his back.

Draco: … (Opens and closes his mouth like a fish, but is at a loss for words. His hair, however, speaks for itself. It turns into a ton of tiny, tight ringlets. He looks like an albino Napolean Dynamite sans spectacles. He runs away crying.)

Moody: Come with me, Potter.

Harry: Oh dear. You're not going to tell me horrible stories about my dad, are you?

Moody: No. Although there was that one incident with Professor Snape, the sack of mealworms, the vat of hydrochloric acid, the red-hot poker, and an Olympic swimming pool filled with deep-fried prune whip…


	15. Scene 14

SCENE FOURTEEN: Snape's Whitie-Tighties

Moody: (Pulls off his leg. Then pulls off his eye.) Ooooh…

Harry: Er, sir, is any part of you… real?

Moody: (Muttering to himself) Well, that's kind of ironic, because, you know, no part of me is actually real, because, really, I'm Barty Crouch Jr., and, and…

Harry: Did you say something, sir?

Moody: Yeah. I was commenting on… Professor Snape's whitie-tighties.

Harry: How would YOU know that Snape wears whitie-tighties?

Moody: The eye. It can see through clothing, of course.

(Harry inches backward, covering himself with his schoolbooks in strategic locations.)

(A chest starts screaming)

Harry: What's that?

Moody: Nothin'. Just a plot point. Moving along then, let's get to the point. Potter, let's just admit it. You're miserably unprepared for this tournament thing. (Harry starts going through a box of photos on Moody's desk out of boredom.) Cedric is really smart and good at magic, totally contradicting everything we've seen of him thus far. And he's much more strapping than you. (Harry pulls out a photo of Moody disguised as a pirate.) Krum is a dipwad, but Karkaroff isn't. (Harry pulls out a photo of Moody disguised as an axe murder.) And Miss Delacour is no more a fairy princess than I am! (Harry pulls out a photo of Moody wearing a tutu, fairy wings, a tiara, ballet slippers, and a cheesy fake star taped to the end of his wand.)

Harry: Professor, what's this?

(Moody snatches the photo away from him and slams it into the desk drawer.)

Moody: Potter, here's what I'm trying to say.

(Music begins to play. Moody climbs on top of his desk.)

Song: Play to Your Strengths (Based on "Play With Your Food" from the musical "Honk.")  
Moody: You know all the other champions are much more competent.  
And you know you lack the skills it takes to keep a judge content.  
You can dig up all the spells invented, cram them in your head.  
But it doesn't matter, 'cause you're dumb. And then you'll end up dead.  
But I remember something wise that someone told me  
Though I will just leave out that that person was Voldy…  
You! Must! Play to your strengths, or else get eaten.  
You must use your strengths, or else you'll get chewed.  
All that's left will be shoes without your feet in!  
Yes, you'll be one quite deceased young dude!  
You must play to your strengths, or you'll be beaten  
By Krum, Diggory, and Delacour.  
And you know you have to survive this school year!  
This is only just book number four!  
Moody: (Spoken) So, tell, me, Potter. What are you good at? It can be anything—as long as it wins you the first task.  
Harry: (Spoken) Anything? Welll…  
Harry: (Sung) I! can't! Think of much stuff that I'm good at.  
Only fighting a certain Dark Lord.  
But how will that help me in the contest?  
Moody: For heaven sakes, boy, use your gourd!  
Harry: I can fly, I suppose, I can fly well.  
But that won't help, I can't use a broom.  
Moody: You're allowed a wand, though, stupid hobbit!  
Harry: (Running out) Thanks, sir! What can I get you?  
Moody: Your doom!


	16. Scene 15

SCENE FIFTEEN: I Love Your Work

(Harry is in the tent with Cedric, Fleur—in a powder blue warm-up suit—and Krum.)

Hermione: (Talking through the tent wall) H-Harry? Is that, is that, y-you?

Harry: (Sarcastically) No, it's Jarvis Cocker!

Hermione: Oh. Terribly sorry to have bothered you, Mr. Cocker. I love your work, by the way.

Harry: Hermione, what happened to your omniscience in this film? You're kind of stupid, and close to tears every time you come on screen!

Hermione: Harry, you'd be crying, too, if your best friend was about to fight a dragon!

Harry: Yes, because I'm sure that's much more terrifying than ACTUALLY HAVING TO FIGHT A DRAGON!!!

Hermione: Exactly! (Using some hitherto-unexpected magical skill, she jumps straight through the tent wall and into Harry's arms.)

Harry: Aaagh! What was that for?

Hermione: Publicity!

(GIANT EVIL FLASH OF THE CAMERA!!!)

Rita: Ahahahahaha! This picture will make the front page! Note that my attire is largely dragon-themed! You can just call me the Dragon Lady!

Harry: Oh, believe me, we do…

Krum: (Slowly and dramatically) You haff no business here. This tent is for champions… and friends of champions!

Rita: Uh, that's nice…

Krum: (Bursting into tears) Well, it's my only line!

(Enter Crouch, Dumbledore, Maxime, and Karkaroff.)

Dumbledore: Yeah, so, you're all here, and… (looks at Hermione) GET OUT OF HERE, YOU STUPID INTERFERING LITTLE WITCH!!! (Chases her out with a giant mace. We hear battle whoops and high-pitched screams for the remainder of the scene.)

Crouch: (Nonchalantly) Yeah… so. Each of you pick a dragon out of the bag.  
(Fleur chooses hers) You have the something-something something, Miss Delacour.

Fleur: This shouldn't be too hard!

Maxime: Er, those aren't the real dragons you have to fight.

Fleur: Sacre bleu!

(Krum chooses his)

Crouch: The Chinese Fireball! OooOOooOOOoOooO!

Me: Who hired this guy again?

Newell: (Sitting behind me in the movie theatre; taps me on the shoulder) A-hem?

Me: Where was I? Oh, yeah… who hired this guy again… because… whoever did… is cool?

Newell: That's more like it.

(Cedric picks his)

Crouch: You know, it's very rude to pick in public. If you must, at least do it discreetly with a tissue. (Cedric chooses his dragon) Ahh, and you have the Whotheheckcares-Snouted Whatsitsface! Which leaves…

Harry: Jarvis Cocker!

Crouch: That was so not your line! Anyway, one Hungarian Horntail to go, and when you hear the cannon, please…

Massive ear-shattering boom: *IS MASSIVE AND EAR-SHATTERING!*

(Dumbledore's hat is knocked off)

Filch: Curses, I missed again!

Mrs. Norris: Stupid. How hard can it be to shoot that old dufus?

Filch: Well, he moves surprisingly quickly.

(Cut to the part that is stretched to about twenty-thousand times the length in the book; it's exceedingly short right here.)

Harry: OMG A DRAGON, COME HERE BROOMY, OH NO, DRAGON ESCAPED!

Snape: (In the bleachers) Oh dear, the dragon appears to have escaped. Should we save him? (Thinks about it.) Naaah…

(The dragon chases Harry all around the school, eventually standing on top of the building roaring.)

Me: Ew. This is so King Kong!

King Kong Fans: Wait, so I've been in the wrong theatre all this time?

Ratsnacks! (They get up to go. I can't resist a laugh at their expense.)

Me: You thought that this was KING KONG?! Well, that's understandable, except for the part where there's NO GIANT GORILLA!

(As Harry flies back into the stadium, there's a clip of Krum in the bleachers)

King Kong Fans: AHEM!

Hermione and Neville: (In the bleachers) WOOOO! GO HARRY!!!

Ron: Yeah. Woop woop.

Draco: YEEEEEAHH! YOU ROCK! HA HA HA, THAT WAS BLOODY BRILLIANT! (Everyone stares at him.) (Lamely) I mean… heh heh… psych?!


	17. Scene 16

SCENE SIXTEEN: I'm Not About To Invite Them Over For Tea and Crumpets

(Fred and George are holding up Harry like a throne)

Harry: I am the Triwizard King! You will obey my every whim!

Random Students: (Originally Cedric's fan posse) Oh, speak to us, Great Leader!

Harry: All right. I shall open up my Egg of Glory and impress upon you its wisdom.

(He opens up the egg. The egg plays "music" by Britney Spears—the song "Toxic." One by one, the kids scream and faint.)

Ron: (Entering the room as the Darth Vader theme plays softly in the background.) What the bloody catchphrase is that?

(Everyone gives him the evil eye and hisses like pit vipers.)

Ron: Sounds a bit like Percy singing—maybe you've got to attack him in the shower.

Harry: Oh shut up and die.

Fred: (Watching intently) Please continue your conversation.

George: (Also watching intently) Yes, please do. Because none of us are watching you intently.

Ron: Look, Harry, I'm so pathetic on my own that I need to reconcile with you to be able to survive. I'm so sorry I was mean.

Harry: Bad comical ex-sidekick… I mean, ex-friend…

Ron: What? I told you about the dragons, didn't I?

Harry: Yeah? And apparently, so did Lord Voldemort and Aunt Marge involuntarily, but I'm not about to invite them over for tea and crumpets.  
Ron: No! Because, you see, I found out that Percy sent me a Ministry of Magic decree that said that Fudge was notified by Dobby, who heard it from Colin Creevey, who found out from Snape, who said that Parvati sent Firenze an email that she had already received from Madame Maxime, who had found out that Cedric overheard Aberforth Dumbledore telling his goats, that Kingsley Shacklebolt read in The Daily Prophet, that Sirius suddenly remembered being informed by Draco Malfoy, who found out from your Aunt Marge, who saw on the television that Oliver Wood watched as Lord Voldemort told the Giant Squid… that your fly was down. ALSO, Hagrid wanted to see you. Don't you understand?

Harry: … No…

Ron: Me, neither. But it was in the screenplay.

Harry: Buds?

Ron: Buds. (They link pinkies.)

Hermione: (Tearing up) This is such a beautiful, cinema-esque resolution of a fight!  
Ron: So, Harry, I've been meaning to show you the new kind of armpit fart I learned how to do, the 'sonic boom' one.

Hermione: Okay, scratch what I just said.

(Cut to the next day at breakfast)

Nigel: (Sounding suspiciously like Dobby) A package for you, Mr. Weasley.

Ron: No, Nigel, you can't have them now.

Harry: Have what?

Ron: Oh, noth—

Nigel: Mr. Weasley said that I could have a pair of your underpants if I delivered packages to him.

Hermione: HE'S NOT AN OWL! And these jokes are getting very immature. I am now installing an Immaturity Counter that counts all of the immature jokes.

Immaturity Counter: Immaturity level—1.

Hermione: No, no, that's not right. There are several more immature jokes.

Here we go. (Hits a rewind button on a remote control)

Immaturity Counter: Previous instances of immaturity are as follows—

Random Beauxbatons girl: Butterflies come out of us when we sigh! Wait till you see what happens with our other bodily functions!

Newell: Blast. (Takes out his magic wand and waves it over Neville's head. In sparkly gold letters levitating in midair, it says 'I AM A LITTLE TWERP AND I WEAR WHITEY-TIGHTIES. WHICH I HAVEN'T CHANGED SINCE MY FIRST YEAR.")

Krum: (Leaning toward Hermione) Hey, eef I said you had a beautiful body, vood you hold it against me? (Hermione thwacks him upside the face.) I zeenk I love her.

(Harry goes to the Common Room. There is a newspaper there. The headline is, "HARRY POTTER ENJOYS NUDE CAMEL RACING! Exclusive Interview Reveals All." He crumples it up and tosses it in the fire.)

Hermione: No, I will NOT call Harry a 'poo-poo head,' Ron. If you want to insult him like a mentally handicapped three year old, you can do it yourself.  
Moody: Yeah. I was commenting on… Professor Snape's whitie-tighties.

Crouch: You know, it's very rude to pick in public. If you must, at least do it discreetly with a tissue.

Ron: So, Harry, I've been meaning to show you the new kind of armpit fart I learned how to do, the 'sonic boom' one.

Immaturity Counter: Immaturity sensed. Level—(It explodes.)

Hermione: So much for maturity.

Nigel: Mr. Potter, I just wanted to say that… (he faints)

Harry: Ha ha, that Nigel. Hopeless fans are so funny. (He looks up to see Cho Chang. He smiles at her and juice splurts out of his mouth.)

Cho: Ha ha, that Harry. Hopeless fans are so funny. (She looks up to see Cedric. She smiles at him and juice splurts out of her mouth.)

Cedric: Ha ha, that Cho. Hopeless fans are so funny. (He looks up at someone, smiles at them, and juice splurts out of his mouth, and we're about to figure out who it was when the camera goes back to Harry and Ron.)

Ron: Well, all immaturity aside, I want to see what my present is. (He unwraps it. It's his hideous dress robes.) ALL RIGHT!!! A NEW DRESS!!! (Everyone stares at him)… dress… robes…?


	18. Scene 17

SCENE SEVENTEEN: Dumb, Dufus-Brained, Diaper-Wearing Dipwads

McGonagall: Well, I'm sure you've been dying to figure out why Ron's parents sent him a hideous dress, besides the fact that they are evil and sadistic and that Ron is a comic relief character. And the reason is… because we're going to have a dance this Christmas! Perfect for the blossoming romances between our foil characters.

Ron: Hey, hear that, Hermione?

McGonagall: Now, I have to teach you all how to dance, humiliating you simultaneously, because we don't want to seem like a bunch of dumb, dufus-brained, diaper-wearing, dipwads in front of the other schools.

Fred: Catchy saying, isn't it?

George: I love the rhythm. (Piano music begins to play, courtesy of Filch, and they imitate McGonagall's voice as they sing. It's ragtime-style, and they tap-and-jazz-dance to it.)

_Song: Dumb, Dufus-Brained, Diaper-Wearing Dipwads. (An original song)  
_

_Both: Ba-da-da-da-da-DA!!!  
Fred: Dumb!  
George: Dufus-brained!  
Fred: Diaper-wearing!  
George: Dipwads!  
Both: Dufus-brained dipwads, that's you!  
Fred: You're puny!  
George: And gullible!  
Fred: Shorter than me!  
George: And you haven't got a clue!  
Fred: You look like gits when you dance!  
George: Like you have nits in your pants!  
Fred: So you know what I'm going to do?  
George: I want you to look cool!  
Fred: In front of these other schools!  
George: Despite the fact that you're really dumb!  
Both: You dumb!  
George: Dufus-brained!  
Fred: Diaper-wearing!  
Both: DIPWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAADS! (They hold this note forever. It's very high, and George does weird barbershop harmony)  
Both: Now shut up and look good for Krum!  
(The piano strikes one last note, and they sit back down. The song ends.)  
_  
Ron: That was… odd…

McGonagall: Mr. Weasley, for interrupting me like that, you get to demonstrate the dance.

Ron: WHAT?!?! Why don't Fred and George get in trouble?

Fred: Because--

George: We're—

Fred: Lovable—

George: Scamps!

Both: Duh!

McGonagall: Quite correct. Now, come up here, Mr. Weasley. Put your hand on my waist…

Ron: NO WAY, YOU SICKO!!!

Harry: (Whispering) Shut up, Ron. Pretend like she's Hermione!

Ron: That works!

(They dance around.)

Fred: Ladies and gentlemen, see before you—

George: The ultimate example of a—

Both: Dumb, dufus-brained, diaper-wearing dipwad!

Ron: Shut up.

(Cut to the boys' dormitory. There are horrible sounds.)

Harry: Oh, no! That sounds like Neville! I hope he isn't being attacked with the Cruciatus Spell!

Ron: Yeah, I hate it when that happens.

(They run in, to see Neville humming and dancing around. More specifically, he is freak-dancing with Trevor and humming "Toxic" by Britney Spears.)

Harry and Ron: RUN AWAY! RUN AWAY! RUN AWAAAAAY! (They high-tail it out of there.)

Neville: (Looking into the camera) I'm sorry, but I'd rather you didn't witness this. (He puts his hand up over the lens and everything goes black.)


	19. Scene 18

SCENE EIGHTEEN: Like An Epileptic Vole On Crack

(They are in study hall with Snape.)

Harry: Man, I don't have a date to the ball!

Parvati and Padma: (Walking by with a flirtatious wave) Hi, Harry!

Harry: I wonder where I'll find one.

Parvati and Padma: (Walking by the other way with an even more flirtatious wave) HI, HARRY!

Snape: (Writing something) Way to kill Harry Potter Number 10,152,701 ¾: Give him a debilitating concussion!

Ron: Yeah, we're probably the only guys in the school not to have dates… other than Neville, of course.

Hermione: Well, it may surprise you that not only does Neville have a date, he's been asked by 9,876,264 girls, including, but not limited to, the entire female population of Duluth, Minnesota, Madame Pince, and even someone in Moose Lake.

Fan girls: NEVILLE! (They mob him.)

Ron: Neville?! Who's he going with?!

Hermione: Your sister.

Ron: MY SISTER!?!?

(Snape smacks Harry and Ron in the back of the head with a book.)

Harry: What the fruitcake was that for?

Snape: (Evilly) Oh, you had… a spider on your head.

Ron: Yeah, right. I've seen the screenplay. That only happens in Scene Seven. So, anyway back to what I was saying…

(Fred throws Ron a little note. It reads, 'Quick, get a ball date today! One time offer only! Many will play, few will win. Get one before all of the good ones are gone!")

Ron: (Mouthing) Who are you going with?

Fred: (Mouthing) Angelina! (To Angelina) Do you (points at her) want to go to the ball (mimes dancing) with me? (Points to himself)

Angelina: What?! Why would I want to squash Hagrid's pumpkins with a blackjack?

George: (Standing on a desk and shouting) HE BLOODY SAID THAT HE BLOODY WANTS TO GO TO THE BLOODY BALL WITH YOU!!!...Bloody!

Angelina: (Batting her eyelashes) Oh, well, in that case, I'd love to go to the bloo… I mean, to the ball with you.

Ron: Ohhh, so that's how you do it? So, Hermione, you're a girl…

Hermione: (sarcastically) Oh, really? I'd never noticed.

Harry: (Not sarcastically) Me, either…

Ron: Would you (points to Hermione) like to go to the ball (mimes dancing) with me? (Points to himself.)

Hermione: Erm… not really… see ya. (She leaves)

Ron: What the?!

(Snape thwacks Harry and Ron on the head with a giant book.)

Ron: What was that for? George was standing on his desk and shouting, using mildly foul language, and he didn't even get in trouble!

Snape: Your brothers have immunity. They're lovable scamps.

George: *smirk smirk*

Ron: Anyway, do you think Hermione has a date?

Harry: I don't know, but we don't, and I don't know where to find them.

Parvati and Padma: (walking by and shouting) HI HARRY, NUDGE NUDGE WINK WINK, HAVE YOU GOT A DATE TO THE BALL, 'COS WE DON'T!!!

Harry: Yeah, it'll definitely be hard finding a date to the ball, especially since I dance like an epileptic vole on crack!

Parvati and Padma: (walking by wearing t-shirts reading "I LOVE HARRY POTTER.") HI HARRY, WE WOULD JUST LOVE IT IF YOU ASKED US TO THE DANCE!

Harry: I just can't think of anybody!

(Snape rolls up his sleeves and snaps back Harry and Ron's heads with a massive, resounding CRACK)

Snape: This is quite fun, really.

Ron: (Moaning) Do you think girls will find me any more attractive with a 180-degree twist in my neck?

Harry: Erm… no, not really…


	20. Scene 19

SCENE NINETEEN: Britney Spears, Ron's Mum, the Queen, Bellatrix, and Schmergo's Friend Ashveen

(Harry's up in the Owlery and he runs into Cho. They hop around, trying to get around each other in the doorway.)

Harry: Uh, hi…

Cho: Uh… hi…Wow, we look like we're doing some sort of demented dance.

Harry: Yeah, speaking of demented dances… WANGOBAWIME?

Cho: I don't like mango biscuits, and my name isn't Jimmy.

Harry: I… mean… I… think… maybe… I… was… wondering… if… you'd…like…to…go… to… the…ball…with… me?

Cho: Oh. Nope. Sorry.

Harry: But why, my love, why?

Cho: Because you're short. And less strapping than my real ball date.

Harry: Oh. Who's your date, so I can kill… that is, tell him?

Cho: JARVIS COCKER!!! Psych! No, really, Cedric Diggory. It was lucky I got to go with him, really, because you know who else asked him? Hermione, Jarvis Cocker, Ginny, Fleur, Draco Malfoy, Mrs. Franklin, McGonagall, Britney Spears, Ron's mum, the Queen of England, Bellatrix Lestrange, Schemrgo's friend Ashveen, and even someone in Moose Lake, among others.

Harry: Aw man! Why does absolutely everyone that I like have a crush on Cedric Diggory? (Cho looks at him funny.) I mean… I can explain… no, I really can't…

Cho: Right, well, anyway, you're not worthy of my attention. Bye, Henry… or was it Howie?

Harry: What a great girl.

(Cut to the Common Room. Harry is lying there, clutching the egg to his chest.)

Hermione: That egg is not a good surrogate Cho, Harry.

(Harry sighs, and Ron staggers in, helped by Ginny and a bunch of girls.)

Harry: What's wrong, Ron?

Ron: I… I…

Ginny: He tried to ask Fleur Delacour to the ball.

Harry: Ah, well, that would do it. She said no, didn't she?

Hermione: Well, of course she did!

Ron: No…

Hermione: SHE SAID YES?!?!

Ron: No…

Ginny: See, he fainted before he could hear her answer.

Harry: Ah.

Ron: I'll tell you how it happened.

_(Music begins to play, and he picks up a mike)_

Song: Ron's Tale (To The Tune of "Doo Wah Ditty")  
Ron: There she was, just a walkin' with her friends.  
All: Singin' doo wah ditty ditty dum ditty doo.  
Ron: You know I like the way they look, especially their rear ends.  
All: Singin' doo wah ditty, ditty dum ditty doo.  
Ron: She looked good.  
All: Looked good!  
Ron: She looked fine.  
All: Looked fine!  
All: She looked good, she looked fine.  
Ron: And I believe I lost my mind!  
Hermione: (Spoken) You have a mind?  
Ron: Before I knew it, I had asked her to the ball!  
All: Singin' doo wah ditty ditty dumb ditty doo!  
Ron: I didn't hear her answer, 'cos I took a fall!  
All: Singin' doo wah ditty ditty dumb ditty do.  
Ron: Well, I'm scared!  
All: He's scared!  
Ron: But she's not!  
All: She's not!  
All: He's scared and she's not  
Ron: But she is extremely hot.  
(Dean busts out a saxophone)  
Ron: Woah, woah! I knew I was fallin' down!  
And I felt like an imbecile, a dum-dum, a clown!  
Hermione: (Spoken) Wonder why.  
Ron: (Spoken) Right, well, if you're not going to be a good audience, I'll stop now.  
Hermione: Thank heavens!  
(The song ends)  
  
Harry: Well, now neither of us have dates. I wonder what we're going to do.

(The Patil twins walk by, and they are screeching at the top of their lungs)

Twins: ASK US OUT, GOSHDARNIT!

Harry: I have a sudden inspiration that just came to me out of nowhere! Parvati, Padma, why don't you take Ron and me to the ball?

Parvati: Why, we thought you'd never ask!


	21. Scene 20

SCENE TWENTY: Hogwarts Has Bathrooms?

(Ron is in the dormitory, looking at himself in the mirror. He is wearing his robes, which are dratted hideous.)

Ron: Ew! Ew! Ew!

Dean: (Sympathetically) I know, the robes are atrocious, but…

Ron: No, it's not the robes, it's that ugly person out the window. (He points in the mirror.)

Dean: Pardon?

Ron: That ugly guy out that window, with the terrible haircut.

Dean: Er, Ron, that's not a window… it's a mirror…

Ron: Oh schmatz.

(Enter Harry. He is looking rather vampirish and his hair is combed. (!) He is carrying a green toothbrush and the Dracula theme is playing in the background.)

Ron: Hi, Harry. What's with the toothbrush?

Harry: Oh, I need to keep my fangs… I mean, teeth… clean in case Cho suddenly doesn't want to dance with Cedric anymore and for some reason would rather dance with me instead of any of the taller, more attractive guys who can actually dance, and for some reason wants to snog me.

Ron: Well, good luck with that. Hey, what's that awful smell?

Harry: Don't look at me. I gave up on the garlic-body-rub habit after I got bitten… I mean… don't look at me!

Ron: It smells like stale tacos, overripe socks, and the rotting carcass of a diseased rhino!

Dean: Uh, Ron, did you remember to take a shower today?

Ron: Hogwarts has bathrooms!?!?

(Harry and Dean look at each other)

Harry and Dean: Oh dear.

Harry: And you wondered why you didn't have a date?

(Cut to the Great Hall. People are entering with their dates. A crowd of Beauxbatons girls are all dressed the same. *EW* Harry and Ron are walking in)

Ron: (To a random kid) What are you looking at?

Ron: (To another random kid) No, this isn't a dress; it's pants with a disease.

Parvati and Padma: HI HARRY!

Padma: (in a bored tone)… and Jon…

Ron: Ron.

Padma: …Ron… Whatever…

Parvati: Well, come on, Harry, let's go start off the dancing! (Mouthing to her twin) I GOT THE BETTER ONE!

(Ron stows Padma beneath his arm *EW* like a football and drags her off into the ballroom.)

(Enter Cho)

Cho: Hi, Harry. This is my date, the popular, talented, and strapping Cedric. Cedric, this is… great, I forgot his name again. Well, he's short and he looks like Elijah Wood.

Harry: Hi, Cho… (he stares at her.)

Parvati: Well, she certainly is pretty!

Harry: (Drooling) You're telling me, yum yum!

Parvati: No, not Cho, Hermione! (she points.)

(Hermione is walking down the staircases. She is wearing a pink dress, her hair is up, and she's wearing makeup and jewelry. A choir is singing and she is surrounded by a glowing aura of brilliant gold light.)

Harry: Oh. Yeah, she's okay. (Goes back to staring at Cho) Cho…

(The champions all walk into the Great Hall. Hermione, Krum, Fleur, Roger, Cedric, Cho, and Parvati are all smiling and waving. Harry looks faintly green, and keeps breathing into a paper bag.)

Padma: Is that Hermione Granger with Viktor Krum?

Ron: No, it's Jarvis Cocker! (He looks at her.) Uttoh…


	22. Scene 21

SCENE TWENTY-ONE: It Really Is Jarvis Cocker

(The Champions now have to start out the dancing. Harry looks hopelessly confused.)

Parvati: Harry, were you paying any attention at all during dancing lessons?

Harry: No, I was too busy laughing at Ron's misfortune.

Parvati: Oh, no. Now you're going to look like a dumb, dufus-brained, diaper-wearing dipwad.

(The music starts, and Harry attempts to dance with Parvati. He looks like dumb, dufus-brained, diaper-wearing dipwad.)

Padma: (Mouthing to her twin) I GOT THE BETTER ONE!

(Other couples join the dancing, including Neville and Ginny, who look very cute together. Many girls are shooting Ginny death glares. Filch is dancing with Mrs. Norris and Mr. Norris, a random ferret on Moody's lap, is threatening him.)

Dumbledore: Ladies and gents, enough with that sappy, slow music. I give you that funky wizard rock band, the Weird Sisters, led by none other than… JARVIS COCKER!!!

Snape: (To McGonagall) Oh, please. That Jarvis Cocker joke is really wearing thin.

McGonagall: (Gasping) No, Severus, it really is Jarvis Cocker!!! (She stands up and throws off her robes, revealing a RADIOHEAD T-shirt. She puts on a pair of Jarvis Cocker spectacles.) Oh, my gosh, it's really you, Mr. Cocker! I love your work!!! (She runs onstage.)

_Song: Do The Hippogriff (The real lyrics from the movie)  
Jarvis Cocker: Alright Hogwarts!  
Are you ready for some REAL MUSIC?  
I said are you ready?  
ARE YOU READY?!  
I can't hear ya...  
Alright  
C'mon, I wanna see your hands in the air  
We're gonna teach you a brand new dance tonight  
So move your body  
You gotta help us, Hogwarts  
Together we can do this thing!  
Are you ready?  
ARE YOU READY?!  
Runnin' like a hairy troll  
Learnin' to rock and roll  
Spinnin' 'round like a crazy elf  
Dancin' by himself  
Boogie down like a unicorn  
And no stoppin' till the break of dawn  
Put your hands up in the air  
Like an ogre, just don't care  
Can you dance like a hippogriff?  
Na na na na na na na na na  
Flyin' off from a cliff  
Na na na na na na na na na  
Swoopin' down, to the ground  
Na na na na na na na na na  
Wheel around and around and around  
Na na na na na na na na na  
Groove around like a scary ghost  
Spooking himself the most  
Shake your booty like a boggart in pain  
Again and again and again  
Get it on like an angry specter  
Who's definitely out to get ya  
Tap your feet like a leprechaun  
Get it on, GET IT ON!  
Can you dance like a hippogriff?  
Na na na na na na na na na  
Flyin' off from a cliff  
Na na na na na na na na na Swoopin' down, to the ground  
Na na na na na na na na na  
Wheel around and around and around  
Na na na na na na na na na  
Yeah, yeah, yeah!  
Oh, come on!  
Ooh, you gotta move it!  
Gotta move it like a creature...  
Creature of the night!  
Yeah that's right!  
A creature of the night!  
Well do ya feel alright?  
Yeah, do ya feel alright?!  
Can you dance like a hippogriff?  
Na na na na na na na na na  
Flyin' off from a cliff  
Na na na na na na na na na  
Swoopin' down, to the ground  
Na na na na na na na na na  
Wheel around and around and around...  
C'mon!  
C'mon!  
Yeah, can you dance like a hippogriff?_

McGonagall: Yeah! Yeah! I feel the music in me! (She starts dancing like a maniac with Jarvis Cocker. Dumbledore buries his face in his hands.)  
  
(Harry, Ron, and their dates are sitting off to the side.)

Parvati and Padma: Are you going to ask me to dance at all?

Harry and Ron: Nope.

Parvati and Padma: Neither of us got the better one…

(Parvati and Padma go dance with Crabbe and Goyle because they're way better dates than Harry and Ron. Hermione comes over and sits down. She is blushing and giggling incessantly.)

Hermione: Hi, ha ha, did you see me and Vicky back there, ha ha, shaking my booty like a boggart in pain, like it said in the song? Ha ha… by the way, ha ha, did I mention to you that I AM GOING TO THE PROM WITH VIKTOR KRUM!?!?!?! THAT RHYMES, HA HA! (She sings to the tune of the song that the Weird Sisters are playing at the time.)

_Mini-Song: Going To The Prom With Viktor Krum  
Hermione: Oh, I'm going to the prom with Viktor Krum  
Yes I'm going to the prom with Krum!  
Ron: (Shouting) BE QUIET!!!  
(The music fades out and the song ends.)  
_  
Ron: Where did you get that dreadful song?

(Hermione holds up a book. It is approximately the length of "Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix" and is entitled, "Viktor Krum Songs, By Ron Weasley")

Hermione: This book…

Ron: We need to talk. (He grabs Hermione and drags her out into the hall.) Look, I am supposed to be your major love interest here. What's up with you and that hulking bald athlete?

Hermione: He's not just a hulking bald athlete! He's also a lovely dancer, and… and… a powerful physical being!

Ron: Yeah? Yeah? Well… well… yeah?

Hermione: What an intelligent comeback. (She bursts into tears) YOU SPOIL EVERYTHING!!!

Ron: Speaking of intelligent comebacks…

(Enter Harry. In the background, we see the last four couples slow-dancing in the ballroom: Neville and Ginny, Cho and Cedric, McGonagall and Jarvis Cocker, and Hagrid and Maxime. Maxime appears to be eating an entire Happy Meal, complete with shake and fries, out of Hagrid's beard.)

Hermione: (Screaming) WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?! GO TO YOUR ROOM, YOU NAUGHTY LITTLE BOY!!!

Harry: Yes, mum.

Hermione: I HEARD THAT! YOU'RE GROUNDED, YOUNG MAN!!!

Harry: I think Hermione's been studying a bit too hard…

Ron: Studying Viktor, more like…

(Cut to the boys' dormitory. Harry has been having a nightmare, blah blah. Enter Neville, dancing shoes slung around his neck.)

Neville: Hi, Harry! I just got back from dancing with Ginny. (Squeals) ME!!! (He starts dancing around.)

Harry: Eh. Have your fun while it lasts. Anyone who's read ahead in the series will know that I end up with her, after she gets a personality.

Neville: Oh. (Brief pause. Squeals) I JUST DANCED WITH GINNY!


	23. Scene 22

SCENE TWENTY-TWO: Hey, Myrtle, There's A Fish

(It's several months later, and Hermione and Harry are hanging out on the bridge.)

Hermione: So! You know what the purpose of the golden egg that sings "Toxic" by Britney Spears means, right?

Harry: Yes.

Hermione: Yes?

Harry: A little bit…

Hermione: A little bit?

Harry: Not really, no…

Hermione: Well, that stinks.

Harry: You're telling me. On a lighter note, how's Vicky… I mean, Viktor's egg coming along? I could always cheat… I mean, get ideas from that. *Cough* Hint hint, Viktor's girlfriend…

Hermione: Well, unfortunately for you, Viktor and I don't talk much. Basically, he just…

Harry: Watches you study?

Hermione: And snogs me, yes. Well, I'm not complaining, because even though he may be denser than Hogwarts Christmas fruitcake, he is a very powerful physical being.

Harry: Lovely. Is that one of those elusive labels that don't really have a true meaning, like 'strapping?'

Hermione: Yes. And speaking of strapping, here comes the Strapmeister!

(Enter Cedric)  
Harry: (Disgusted) The Strapmeister?

Hermione: Um, I never said that. You heard nothing. Have some chocolate.

Cedric: Hello there, Short Guy That Likes My Girlfriend! Hello there, Hot Girl That Likes At Least One Of My Rival Champions! My, it sure is a beautiful day.

Harry: Hi. What are you doing here?

Cedric: Well, uh, I, er… Harry… you know, there's this place, and… and… (He gets all embarrassed.)

Harry: No, I will not go to the ball with you, Cedric!!!

Cedric: Rats. Well, uh, the, the, the prefects' bathroom, you know where that is? It isn't a bad place for a bath.*wink wink*.

People Who Haven't Read the Books: What the fruitcake?!?!

Harry: I see! Well, obviously, this means that I have to take my giant golden egg there with me, and some hitherto unexpected magic in the bathroom will cause me to find out the true meaning of the singing of "Toxic" by Britney Spears!

People Who Haven't Read the Books: We were supposed to figure that out how?

(Cut to the bathroom. Harry takes off his bathrobe and gets into the water, shirtless.)

Me, the Author: Is this supposed to be a turn-on for the adolescent females in the audience, such as myself? 'Cos it isn't working.

Fan girls: Now, if you had NEVILLE in the bath, that would be a different story!

(Everyone sitting next to the fan girls, including Newell, edge slowly away from in them in their plush red movie theatre seats.)

Harry: Boy, if Ron had known there were bathrooms this cool at Hogwarts, I wouldn't have to bother with the air freshener plugs up my nose and the house elves with Pine-Sol that I employed to follow Ron everywhere. (Starts playing with bubbles) La la la, bubbly, bubbly, dum de dum… oh, right, the egg, the egg. (He opens it up. It blares "Toxic" by Britney Spears.) Well that didn't work…

Myrtle: (Materializing) Stick it in the water, Mr. Hot Taco!

Harry: Don't you ever call me that again! And whatever are you doing here, of all places?

Myrtle: Why, adding further wrongness to this scene, of course. Even more off is the fact that I am played by a woman in her mid-thirties!

Harry: Myrtle, this is a boys' bathroom!

Myrtle: (Giggling) I know!!! (Tries to put her head underwater.)

Harry: Okay, I need to think of a diversion, and fast!

_Song: Hey Myrtle There's A Fish/ Naked Time  
(To the tune of "Hey Olaf there's a fish" from Veggie Tales and "Naked Time" from PotterPuppetPals)_

Harry: Heeeeeeyyyyy… Myrtle, there's a fish  
With a pretty yellow circle on the underside of its bottom fin!  
Look, Myrtle, there's another! And another! And another!  
And the little one has got a funny grin!  
Hey, Myrtle, Myrtle, Myrtle, Myrtle  
MYRTLE, MYRTLE, MYRTLE!!!!  
There's a one that's dancing with a bear!  
Look, Myrtle, there's a turtle! There's a mermaid! There's a BUNNY!  
Oh, Myrtle please look anywhere but there!

Myrtle: Iiiiiiiit's…naked, naked, naked time!  
Stark naked Harry!  
Naked time is so much fun!  
So much fun for me!  
They may tell me I'm messed up!  
They may call me a fool!  
But it's naked, naked, naked time  
Right here in the school!

Harry: Hey, Myrtle, there's a fish…  
Myrtle: It's naked, naked, naked time…  
Harry: With a pretty yellow circle on the underside of its bottom fin…  
Myrtle: Stark naked Harry…  
Harry: Look, Myrtle, there's another! And another! And another…  
Mytle: Naked time is so much fun…  
Harry: And the little one has got a funny grin..  
Myrtle: So much fun for me…  
Harry: Hey, Myrtle, Myrtle, Myrtle, Myrtle… MYRTLE, MYRTLE, MYRTLE!!!  
Myrtle: They may tell me I'm messed up…  
Harry: There's a one that's dancing with a bear…  
Myrtle: They may call me a fool…  
Harry: Look, Myrtle, there's a turtle! There's a mermaid! There's a BUNNY!  
Myrtle: But it's naked, naked, naked time…  
Harry: Oh, Myrtle, please look anywhere…  
Myrtle: Right here in the school!  
Harry: But… there… oh, dear…  
Myrtle: Tee hee hee!

(The song ends)  


Harry: Well, that was thoroughly disturbing.

Myrtle: I liked it!

(Harry puts the egg underwater.)

_Mini-Song: The Song of The Egg  
Egg: Hey, buddy, we're here in the lake!  
But getting there's no piece of cake!  
We've taken what you like the most!  
You have an hour, then it's toast!_

Harry: Well I have absolutely no idea what that's supposed to mean.

Egg: Hm! Seemed pretty clear to me!


	24. Scene 23

SCENE TWENTY-THREE: Is Neville A Blonde Girl In A Swimsuit?

(Harry, Ron, and Hermione, NOT NECESSARILY IN THAT ORDER, are in the library.)

Hermione: So, Harry, what did the egg say again?

Harry: It didn't make any sense! It said, "Hey, buddy, we're here in the lake, but getting there's no piece of cake…"

Ron: Well, that makes sense to me! And apparently, I have both the emotional range and the I.Q. of a teaspoon.

Harry: And then it said, "We've taken what you like the most, you have an hour, then it's toast."

Hermione: I get that. Though you may have a problem… luckily, we have five whole minutes of screen time to figure out something!

Harry: Oh, goody. Really, Hermione, when was the last time you held your breath underwater for an hour?

Hermione: Why, the last time I kissed Vikt—

(Moody enters, cutting her off.)

Moody: Hello there! Last-minute cramming, eh? Well, Mr. Weasley, Ms. Granger, you're needed down by the lak… the la… the ladies' room.

Ron: The ladies' room?

Moody: I'm sorry, I have a cold. Well, McGonagall wants you, so come with me.

(They do so.)

Harry: Great. I have to figure out a way to breathe underwater, but now I don't even have the help of my one intelligent friend and my tension-easing comical sidekick? Well, this stinks. I feel like I'm on some demented reality show… and I just lost a lifeline…

Moody: Hey, Neville, want to help Harry by telling him what to do and to therefore win the tourn… I mean, want to help Harry put the books away?

Neville: Right-o! (He enters cheerfully. He is wearing a hideous sweater-vest.) Hi there, Harry! Like the hideous sweater -vest? Newell gave it to me… said it would cut down on the fan girls or something.

Fan girls: NEVILLE!

Newell: Poo. Now I have to get out my arsenal of cheesy lines for him to say later in the scene!

Neville: (Looking at Harry's book) Ooh, you're reading "The Complete Idiot's Guide To Herbology?" Hey, I've read that! My gran read the title in a bookshop, and she thought it would be perfect for me… well, it's really cool. You know, there's this plant called the stupidthing Whatsitcalled, and it has the magical power to…

Harry: NEVILLE, WOULD YOU KINDLY SHUT THE HECK UP!?!?!

Fan girls: *Gasp!*

Neville: Okay, if you don't want to hear about The Magical Plant That Makes You Breathe Underwater For An Hour…(shrugs and starts to walk away.)

Harry: Wait, what?!?!

(Cut to the docks.)

Harry: Are you sure we're allowed to have weed during the competition?

Neville: Yep, just as sure as I am that I'm allowed to steal it from Snape's private store.

Harry: Cool. So thanks for giving me The Magical Plant That Makes You Breathe Underwater For An Hour, Neville.

Neville: You mean The Magical Plant That Makes You Breathe Underwater For An Hour In Most Cases In The Right Conditions If It Feels Like It But Sometimes It Doesn't.

Harry: WHAT?!

Neville: Well, you didn't let me finish saying the name of the plant in the previous shot! Well, good luck.

Harry: Oh schmatz.

Crouch: And! Now the contestants will jump into the water and save their best friends!

(My friend Ashveen, who is in the audience but has been sleeping the whole time, suddenly wakes up.)

Ashveen: Drool Alert! Drool Alert! Blonde girl in a swimsuit! Drool Alert! (He goes back to sleep.)

(Cedric, Krum, and Fleur jump in the water. Harry looks terrified, so Moody kindly shoves him into the lake. He gets gills and flippers. Woot.)

Neville: (Up on the dock) Uh… have you seen Harry?

Seamus and Dean: Nope.

Newell: Let's see how they like The World's Cheesiest Line!

Neville: OMG, I'VE KILLED HARRY POTTER!!!

Fan girls: NEVILLE!

People who hate Neville: I've converted to Neville-worshiping!

Random people on the street: Neville for Prime Minister!

Me: GO NEVILLE!

Ashveen: Is Neville a blonde girl in a swimsuit?

Me: No. Go back to sleep.

Poll Person: Apparently, all but one person in the history of the universe voted Neville's last line as the best in any Harry Potter film, with the one abstainer voting for, "Who am I, Hedwig? What am I?" And that one abstainer is criminally insane.

Hitler: Am not!  
(Back to the actual story, Harry flips up in a messed-up way, then swims down. Fleur is getting attacked by some evil jellyfish… I mean, grindylows! Then, some seriously hard-core ghetto mermaids are swimming around the floating wax-sculpted carcasses of Ron, Hermione, Cho, and Gabrielle.)

Harry: Well, this wasn't in The Little Mermaid! (He starts prodding Ron's face with his hands.)

WaxRon: I use Clean and Clear facial scrub to keep my skin soft and my pores clear!

Harry: Do you ever get that funny feeling that your best mate is actually a wax mannequin? Because I sure do.

(Cedric swims in with a bubble for a head, which is really no different from usual. Well, he saves Cho and swims away.)

Harry: Aw man… why couldn't you have taken the random blonde girl? I could've saved Cho, for crying out loud!

(Krum swims in with a shark head, rendering him more attractive than usual. He saves Hermione and swims away. He's known Hermione for, like, a few months and they don't even talk! What, does he have any friends AT ALL?!)

Harry: Come on, please? One small blonde girl, free of charge, with one pretty foil character in exchange?

(Krum tries to bite off his head.)

Harry: I think that means 'no.'

(He saves Ron and Gabrielle and pulls them to safety. Then evil jellyfish attack.)

Harry: Where's Baywatch when you need them?

Ashveen: Who needs Baywatch? We already have a blonde girl in a swimsuit!

Harry: ASCENDIO!!! THIS SPELL ISN'T EVEN CANON!

Nigel: (On the platform) Yay for Mr. Potter!!!

Draco: (Stealing his binoculars) You're too cute to fare well in this film! And you're not canon, either!

(Everyone loves Harry as he crawls onto the dock.)

Fleur: You saved my sister! (Smooches Harry)

Hermione: I'm not going to let some Baywatch wannabe beat me out in the smooching department! (Smooches Harry)

Fleur: You have red hair! (Smooches Ron)

Ron: Aw, shucks…

Hermione: And a red face. (She walks away)

Ron and Viktor: What?! We don't get a smooch from Hermione and Harry does? But we're supposed to be her major love interests here! How uncanon is that!

Nigel: Is everyone here prejudiced against non-canon?

Neville: There, there. Nobody seemed to mind my sudden increase in coolnocity!

Fan girls: NEVILLE!


	25. Scene 24

SCENE TWENTY-FOUR: Shire…Baggins

David Unction: Hello, my name is David Unction, and I am from Monty Python. I am here in this scene to install the Crouch Counter, which counts the number of times that the word 'Crouch' is used in the next two scenes. Hopefully, it will fare better than the ill-fated Immaturity Counter.

Crouch: Harry, I wanted to speak to you for a bit.

Harry: Okay, Mr. Crouch.

David Unction: One.

Crouch: Here is a random bit of foreshadowing that will make no sense until you've seen the end of the movie, unless you've read the book. Family is important. After you lose them, you're all messed up.

People Who Haven't Read the Books: I don't get it. It must be another one of those random bits of foreshadowing that will make no sense until we've seen the end of the movie, unless we've read the book.

(Enter Moody)

Moody: Hello there, Da—I mean, Mr. Crouch.

David Unction: Two.

Moody: Are you trying to convince this boy to go to The Department of Mysteries? Look, even with Jarvis Cocker on the recruitment posters, it ain't gonna happen. Even I know that Harry will never go to the Department of Mysteries, until the next book! And they say I'm mad! *EXTREMELY BLATANT TWITCH!*

Crouch: *Gasp* It all seems so clear now!

Moody: *Twitch* Shire… Baggins…

Harry: You talkin' to me?

Moody: Sorry, Frodo.

(Cut to the forest the next day.)

Hagrid: Man, you people are all too cool for me. You started out as losers—Hermione was an ugly nerd, Ron was a complete dufus, and Harry was just plain clueless—and now, well, Hermione isn't ugly!

Ron: Gee…

Hagrid: I think we should all sing randomly, inexplicably, and rather off-key!

Ron: Since when can you use five-syllable words?

Hagrid: Since the canon died.

_Song: The Hogwarts Song (Sing to any tune you please)  
People: Hogwarts, Hogwarts, Hoggy Warty Hogwarts  
Teach us something please  
Whether we be old and bald  
Or young with scabby knees_

Hermione: Our heads could do with filling  
With some interesting stuff  
Ron: For now they're bare and full of air  
Dead flies and bits of fluff!

Harry: So teach us things worth knowing  
Bring back what we have forgot  
Hagrid: Just do your best, we'll do the rest  
And learn until our brains all rot!

Hermione: Boy are we in an extra gleeful mood  
Ron: Let's ignore the ominous music!  
Harry: I'm sure we won't soon stumble on a carcass  
Hagrid: Dead enough to make you sick!_  
_  
(They stumble on a carcass dead enough to make you sick)

Harry: Mr. Crouch?

David Unction: Three.

Hermione: Holy cricket, it's Mr. Crouch!!!

David Unction: Four.

Ron: Eh. Who really cares about Mr. Crouch? He was annoying.

David Unction: Five.

(Cut to Dumbledore's office.)

Harry: So, Dumbledore, Mr. Crouch is dead!

David Unction: Six.

Dumbledore: (Ignoring Harry) Who cares about your reputation, Fudge? (He starts playing air guitar) I DON'T GIVE A DAMSON PLUM ABOUT MY REPUTATION, DUNNADUNNADUNNADUN… I mean… sorry… one man's already died, Cornelius! Who knows who the next one will be?

Harry: Righto, well, Professor…

(Fudge dies at the mention of the 'R' word)

Dumbledore: That's what you call 'ironic.' Well, Harry, Professor Moody and I are going to go check out the situation. Please, feel free to be attacked by my evil candy, therefore creating a plot device to learn more about Barty Crouch Junior.

David Unction: Seven.

Harry: WILL DO! ( He is attacked by Dumbledore's evil candy, therefore creating a plot device to learn more about Barty Crouch Junior.)

Harry: (Falling into Pensieve) Can you say "This is a cross between Alice in Wonderland and Tom Riddle's diary?" Because I can't. I'm far too busy screaming my lungs out! ! (He falls into the middle of the Wizengamot… and the fun begins!)


	26. Scene 25

SCENE TWENTY-FIVE: The Potion Song

(Harry is walking down the hall when she sees Snape and Karkaroff in a broom cupboard.)

Harry: I am going to keep all nasty thoughts out of my head here…

Snape: (To Karkaroff) You call that a DARK MARK?! Ha! Check out this baby!

Karkaroff: Oh, yeah! Well, at least I don't have "I Love Mum" tattooed under mine!

(He storms away. Harry tries to make his snickering inaudible.)

Snape: (Looming) Mr. Potter, that snickering was very audible indeed.

Harry: Ratsnacks.

Snape: Hey! Good job in the second task! I noticed your use of STOLEN GOODS FROM MY PRIVATE STORES!!! (On these last few words, his eyes turn red and he zooms up right into Harry's face.)

Harry: What? Has the bat finally gone batty?

Snape: You know what I'm talking about. Gillyweed and the junk you need to make Polyjuice Potion. And I know that since you're my least favorite student, you did it. (He picks up a bottle from the shelf.) Do you know what this is?

Harry: Bubble liquid?

(Snape examines the bottle.)

Snape: Oh. Yes. It is. (Picks up another bottle.) What about this one?

Harry: No clue.

Snape: I'll tell ya what this potion is! (Music begins to play.)

_Song: The Potion Song (Based on the Potion Song from PotterPuppetPals)  
Snape: There are oh so many potions in the world  
For almost anything that you wish to attain.  
You can bottle fame and brew glory  
But you cannot put a stopper on my pain.  
There is no potion that can mend a broken heart  
I know this always will be true.  
There are remedies for impotent and mind-expanding hallucinogens  
But there's nothing that can cure my love for you!  
_  
_Karkaroff: (Down the hall) No, there's nothing that can cure my love for you!_

Harry: (Spoken) Wait, so that's love potion? Well, why are you telling me?

Snape: (Spoken) Oh, whoops, sorry, I don't know where my mind is today. Well, this time, it's the real thing!

Snape: (Sung) There are oh so many potions in the world  
For almost anything that you wish to attain  
You can bottle fame and brew glory  
And make the thoughts spill right out of your brain!  
There is a potion that makes you betray your heart  
Each thing that you say will be true!  
There are remedies for impotent and mind-expanding hallucinogens  
But this the one that I'll slip in your juice!  
Yep, I'm going to slip this potion in your juice!

(The song ends)  
  
Snape: Well. That's it. Any questions?

Harry: Yeah. Where did you learn to sing?

Snape: From Bert.

Harry: Bert?

Snape: Yes, from Sesame Street!

Harry: Well, that definitely makes sense! (He leaves)

Snape: Thank you… hey!


	27. Scene 26

SCENE TWENTY-SIX: The Evil Maze Of Much Woe, Doom, Despair, and All That Jazz

(Harry and the other champions are preparing to go into the maze. There is a happy band playing, and everyone has on face paints.)

Dumbledore: Howdy there, peeps! Welcome to the Evil Maze of Much Woe, Doom, Despair, and All That Jazz. This maze will both attack you and possess you, and possibly kill you. Any questions, concerns, fears, phobias? No? Well, have fun, and good luck surviving.

Amos: Yes, well, I'd like to assert here that my son means everything to me and I'd totally snap if absolutely anything happened to him!

Dumbledore: Cool! So! Cedric and Harry go into the maze first.

Moody: Harry, I am not going to give you any outside assistance this time! Really! But, er, if I were going to, I would tell you to go that way.

(Harry goes that way. The maze is thoroughly menacing, and pieces of the hedge keep attacking them. You can hear the Drums of Moria in the background.)

Krum: *High-intensity laser-beam-shooting eyes*

Fleur: *High-pitched scream*

Cedric: *High cheekbones*

Harry: (Running toward the cup.) I'M GONNA WIN!

Cedric: (Coming up behind him) EXCEPT FOR THE PART WHERE I AM!

Harry: Nuh-uh! The protagonist is always the victor, not to be confused with Viktor!

Cedric: Oh, you're just jealous because you're not strapping like me.

(Quite suddenly, a plant eats him.)

Harry: Well, that worked quite nicely. (He starts to run ahead, then stops suddenly.) Wait. Let me think. Should I win a thousand galleons? Or should I rescue some strapping person that I don't even like and let him have the money? WELL, THIS IS AN EASY ONE! The latter! (He rescues Cedric.)

Cedric: Thank you. Now! About that cup! Why don't we just grab it at the same time, both winning the contest? No normal human being would suggest that idea, but I think that those brambles safely removed the small particle of brain that was lodged in my skull.

Harry: Now you're talkin'!

(They both grab the cup, and they end up in a graveyard. The one from scene one of the film.)

Cedric: (With his hands on his hips) Well! This place is odd! Let's explore!

Harry: Who do you think you are, Indiana Diggory? Something tells me we shouldn't be here!

Cedric: (Totally surprised) What makes you say that? The ominous music? The tombstones? The grim reaper statue? The blinding pain in your forehead? The cloaked figure carrying what looks like a baby?

Harry: Naah, none of that. I read ahead in the screenplay, that's all.

Cedric: Harry, if anything happens, I just want you to know where the last four horcruxes are, okay? Well, the first one…

EvilBabyVoldemort: Kill the spare!

Wormtail: Can't I just kill the short kid and let the strapping one live, master? Please?

EvilBabyVoldemort: No.

Wormtail: Poo. AVADA KEDAVRA!

(Cedric dies.)

Harry: Well, this stinks.

Wormtail: I'll have you know that I took a shower last month, thankyouverymuch! (He magics the Grim Reaper statue so that it has a death grip on Harry.)

Wormtail: And now, let the fun begin! Okay, what was the chant again? Oh, yeah…

Wormtail: Get a bone from his daddy's grave.  
Now chop your arm off, you stupid slave.  
Draw some blood from that Hobbit Kid.  
Then put Voldie in the pot and stir for a bit.

EvilBabyVoldemort: That's right. Now, let's do a resurrection, and make it snappy! I have a date at four to see Chitty Chitty Bang Bang with Bellatrix!

Wormtail: Right. So, here I go. Get a bone from his daddy's grave… (He does so.) Now chop your arm off, you stupid slave.

(He starts slowly lowering the dagger, toward his arm, closer, closer, closer, suddenly the scene changes to a dancing koala bear for half a second right when the dagger would make contact, then back to Wormtail's face.)

Wormtail: Well, that was fun…

Me: What?! You call that an amputation?! Come on, it didn't look like he was chopping off his own limb, it looked like he was slicing a ham stinkin' sandwich!

Wormtail: Now draw some blood from the hobbit kid… (Slices into Harry's arm with a dagger, and dumps the blood into the pot.)

Harry: Because it just isn't a Harry Potter film without me getting several bloody gashes…

Wormtail: Now it's bathtime for Voldypoo! (Plops EvilBabyVoldemort into the pot. SCARY THINGS happen, man. The pot disappears, and a naked crouching guy with transparent white skin appears, then a robe plops on top of him and he stands up. It's Voldemort. And he's back, baby. He has white skin, red eyes, no nose, and has weird teeth.)

Voldemort: (Menacingly) I feel pretty…

Wormtail: Well, you certainly don't look it.

Voldemort: Silence, fool! Now, let's get down to business. I have a full agenda planned—bragging to my Klansmen pals, killing young Harry here, picking up my pink shirt from the dry cleaners' at long last… oh, it's going to be a CR-AZY new era!

Harry: This could be a problem.


	28. Scene 27

SCENE TWENTY-SEVEN: I Like Unicorns!

(The Death Eaters arrive)

Voldemort: It's-a me! Voldemort! (He pulls off their masks, causing them to fall over.) Well, now that I'm back, we can finally have a cool, racial-supremacist time. But first and foremost, Lucius, what's up with you?

Lucius: Oh, I'm cool. Really cool. Even this long blond hair spilling out of my Death Eater robe is cool. And if you don't agree with me, I'll stop paying for your subscriptions to Evil Monthly and American Girl magazines!

Voldemort: Oh no, anything but that! Well, Lucius, I'm forced to agree that you are indeed cool.

Lucius: Thank you, master. Hey, by the way, I see you've killed that strapping kid. Can you tell us about it?

Voldemort: (Walking all over Cedric's face with his horrible Toenails of Icklibogg) Oh, well that's a funny story. I used this one spell that I'm really quite fond of.

_Song: Avada Kedavra (Based on "Avada Kedavra" from PotterPuppetPals)_

Voldemort: They call me the Dark Lord Voldemort  
I'm a sucker for evil of any sort  
So long as I get to blast my foes away!  
And boy, I love this magic spell  
I can send my enemies straight to… hello there, Lucius!  
It's such a blast I do it every day!  
Hey!

Avada Kedavra! (Inadvertantly kills a random death eater)  
Avada Kedavra! (Inadvertantly kills a random death eater)  
Avada Kedavra! (Inadvertantly kills a random death eater)  
It really rolls off the tongue.  
Avada Kedavra! (Inadvertantly kills a random death eater)  
Avada Kedavra! (Inadvertantly kills a random death eater)  
Avada Kedavra! (Inadvertantly kills a random death eater)  
Killing people has never been this much fun!

(There is a music break. Voldemort tap-dances and plays a saxophone solo before continuing with his song.)

Avada Kedavra! (Inadvertantly kills a random death eater)  
Avada Kedavra! (Inadvertantly kills a random death eater)  
AVAAAADAAA KEDAAAAAVRAAAAA!!!!

(The song ends)  
  
Lucius: Wow, master, that was beautiful! And I sure am glad that you didn't kill me with your crazy death-incitin' barrage of magic!

Voldemort: Indeed. As you can see, I am the most powerful wizard in the world. Hiding my return from the wizarding world while managing to slowly overtake it by force from within will be like child's play. It'll be like taking candy from a baby! (Lucius snickers.) What's so funny?

Lucius: Nothing… it's just… oh… 'taking candy from a baby…' which is ironic… because you were defeated by a baby… and… yeah…

Voldemort: (Swoomping) YOU THINK THAT'S FUNNY, DO YOU?!?!

Assorted Death Eaters: No! No! No! No!... Yes… No! A bit! Yeah, a bit, a bit!

Voldemort: Mmm. Well, you wanna know why I was defeated by a baby? It was lots of mushy stuff—love, parents' protection, pink flying unicorns…

Wormtail: Oh, I love unicorns!

Voldemort: Silence fool! But basically, that's all gone. I can touch him now! (He zooms over to Harry and starts poking his scar) Bother! Bother! Bother! There. I've always wanted to do that. Well, let's just say that if I dueled with "'Arry Potta" today, the outcome would be a lot different.

Harry: Let's just take that on faith, okay? Heh heh?

Voldemort: Nope. Sorry. Now, it's dueling time!

(He un-binds Harry from the Grim Reaper statue, then they move slowly toward each other, pointing their wands.)

Lucius: (To Wormtail) This beats pro-wrestling big time!

Voldemort/Harry: AVADAKEXPELLIARMUS!!!!!

(There's this big globe of light and a ton of magical sounds. Harry looks determined, or possibly constipated, it's hard to tell. Voldemort doesn't look at all constipated—in fact, he looks like he's about to wet his pants.)

(Frank Bryce, Cedric, and Harry's parents come out of Voldemort's wand, in gray smoky form.)

Frank: You know what? That guy? He killed me! Yeah… apparently 'Avada Kedavra' is a word.

Cedric: Hey, Harry! I feel kinda weird right now. A tad deceased. But, er, yeah, bring my body back to my dad. Tell him that it's not so bad being dead. Heck, I'm still strapping in the afterlife.

Lily: Oh, aren't you cute! Awww, James, look how cute he is!

James: Hey. 'Sup, Junior?

Harry: (Sarcastically) Oh, not much. I'm just ABOUT TO BE MURDERED BY VOLDEMORT, THAT'S ALL!

James: Oh, cheer up, Harry. You know what they say! (music begins to play)

_  
Song: Always Look on the Bright Side of Life  
(Based on the song from "The Life of Brian"_

James: Some things in life are bad  
They can really make you mad.  
Other things just make you swear and curse.  
When you're chewing on life's gristle  
Don't grumble, give a whistle!  
And this will make things turn out for the wor… best!!!  
And… always look on the bright side of life!  
*Whistle, Whistle, Whistle, Whistle*  
Always look on the right side of life!  
*Whistle, Whistle, Whistle, Whistle*

(Spoken) Okay, Lily, you take over now!

Lily: (Spoken) Right-o!  
When life seems jolly rotten  
There's something you've forgotten.  
And that's to laugh and dance and smile and sing.  
When you feel down in the dumps  
Don't be silly chumps!  
Just purse your lips and whistle, that's the thing!  
And… always look on the bright side of life!  
(James, Lily, Cedric, and Frank all do the whistling part)  
*Whistle, Whistle, Whistle, Whistle*  
Always look on the right side of life!  
*Whistle, Whistle, Whistle, Whistle*

Cedric: For life is quite absurd… what does that mean?  
And death's the final word  
You must always face the curtain with a bow!  
Forget about your sin  
Give the audience a grin!  
Enjoy it, it's your last chance, anyhow!

Frank: (Spoken) Well, what are you waiting for, young man? Sing along!

James, Lily, Cedric, Frank, and Harry: Always look on the bright side of death!  
*Whistle, Whistle, Whistle, Whistle*

Harry: Just before you draw your terminal breath!

(A few of the Death Eaters seem to be enjoying the song. They just can't help but whistle along)

Dead people, Harry, and some Death Eaters: (*Whistle, Whistle, Whistle, Whistle*)

Frank: Well, the whole world is a git  
When you look at it.  
Life's a laugh, and death's a joke, it's true.

Harry: You see it's all a show  
Keep 'em laughing as you go  
Just remember that the last laugh is on you!  
And… always look on the bright side of life!

Everyone except for Voldemort: *Whistle, Whistle, Whistle, Whistle*

Everyone except for Voldemort: Always look on the bright side of life!  
*Whistle, Whistle, Whistle, Whistle*

Cedric: (spoken) Worse things can happen on the Quidditch pitch, you know!

Everyone except for Voldemort: Always look on the bright side of life!  
*Whistle, Whistle, Whistle, Whistle*

Everyone except for Voldemort: Always look on the bright side of life!  
*Whistle, Whistle, Whistle, Whistle*

Voldemort: (spoken) Can't… stand… the cheerfulness…

Everyone except for Voldemort: Always look on the bright side of life!  
*Whistle, Whistle, Whistle, Whistle*

Wormtail: (spoken) Oh, cheer up there, master, give us a grin, come on!

Everyone except for Voldemort: Always look on the bright side of life!  
*Whistle, Whistle, Whistle, Whistle*

James: (spoken) Incidentally, a recording of this song is available by owl post if you're interested in driving off forces of evil with sheer perkiness, or just like Monty Python!

Everyone except for Voldemort: Always look on the bright side of life!  
*Whistle, Whistle, Whistle, Whistle*

Voldemort: (spoken) Why do I always get defeated in such a frivolous manner? Man, this is just pathetic!

Everyone except for Voldemort: Always look on the bright side of life!  
*Whistle, Whistle, Whistle, Whistle*

Lily: (spoken) I think we've weakened him, Harry. Grab the cup and go!

Everyone except for Voldemort: Always look on the bright side of life!  
*Whistle, Whistle, Whistle, Whistle*

Harry: Thanks, Mum. Love ya.

Everyone except for Voldemort: Always look on the bright side of life!  
*Whistle, Whistle, Whistle, Whistle*

(Harry scuttles over, picks up the cup and Cedric's body, and *POOF*, he's gone!)

Everyone except for Voldemort: Always look on the bright side of life!  
*Whistle, Whistle, Whistle, Whistle*

Voldemort: NOOOOOOOOOOO!


	29. Scene 28

SCENE TWENTY EIGHT: He Borrowed My Best Pants

(*THUNK* Harry lands in front of the maze, crying on top of Cedric)

Absolutely everyone: YAY! WOOT WOOT! The world rocks!

Fleur: Except for the part where it really doesn't! AIIIIIIIIIII!

Dumbledore: Hello there, Harry. What seems to be the problem?

Harry: Well, other than the fact that Voldemort is back, and Cedric is totally dead, I'm fine.

Dumbledore: Man. Don't you just hate it when that happens?

(Amos comes running down from the bleachers)

Amos: NOOOO! NOOOO! GOSH, NO! WHY THIS?!?! WHY THIS?!?!

Dumbledore: Oh, Mr. Diggory, I'm so sorry about your son…

Amos: Not that! He borrowed my best pants to wear for the third task. AND NOW THEY'RE IRREPARABLY RIPPED AND BLOODSTAINED!!!!

Dumbledore: Yeah, I could see how that would upset you…

Moody: Hey, Harry, come with me. I promise I won't go all spastic, try to kill you, and reveal my true identity as a Death Eater!

Harry: Okay! (He follows Moody up into the classroom. Moody slams and bolts the door shut.)

Moody: Harry, *TWITCH* what was it like when Voldemort came back? Was he cool? Was he commanding? Was he bald?

Harry: It was like something out of a nightmare…

Moody: Or possibly my wildest fantasy…

Harry: Wait, what?

Moody: Nothing. So, was he nasty to all of the other Death Eaters in the graveyard?

Harry: Actually, he got all upset because Lucius was making fun of him, and then a cheerful song sapped all of his strength, allowing me to make my getaway… HEY! How did you know about the graveyard?

Moody: Because I'm totally evil. And I'm going to do the classic-evil-villain thing of explaining what I did leading up to this moment… SO BATMAN! DO YOU WANT TO KNOW HOW I DID THIS?!?! I put your name in the goblet of fire! I gave you hints the whole time! I told Ron's mum to tell Draco Malfoy to tell McGonagall to tell Cedric Diggory to tell Madame Maxime to tell Nigel to tell Filch to tell Hagrid to tell you about the dragons! I told Neville, the witless wonder, to tell you about the gillyweed!

Fangirls: WITLESS WONDER?! Okay, our respect for that dude has considerably gone down. Even if he does have quite a spiffy leather jacket.

Moody: And I made the cup a Portkey! And most importantly, I taught the "Avada Kedavra" song to Voldemort, and choreographed it! And now, I'm going to kill you!

Harry: Eh, I'm not too worried. In situations like this, a bunch of teachers burst in and make everything right.

(A bunch of teachers burst in and make everything right. Dumbledore, McGonagall, and Snape all come in, snapping their fingers in unison. The Rumble Scene from West Side Story is playing.)

Moody: SHARKS!

Teachers: JET!

(They twirl and leap around, pop up their collars, and administer Veritaserum.)

Moody: So basically, I'm evil. Happy?

Dumbledore: (Pointing his wand) Turnus Backus Intus Humanus Iguanis!

(Moody turns back into Junior.)

Snape: Okay, so maybe it wasn't Harry who was making Polyjuice Potion. But hey! At least I got to give Veritaserum to the culprit!

Junior: *Twitch* Hi?

Harry: Well, this explains a lot…

(Dumbledore opens up the screaming trunk. Inside is Moody, wearing a white onesie.)

Dumbledore: Bad news, Alastor. Voldemort's back. The strapping kid died. And the imposter's been wearing your fake eye, now how gross is that? But I do have some good news.

Real Moody: What's that?

Dumbledore: I just saved a bunch of Galleons on my broom insurance by switching to Blokeco!

(Dumbledore, Real Moody, McGonagall, and Harry exit, snapping their fingers in unison. Snape and Junior are in the room alone. Snape is pointing his wand at Junior's face.)

Junior: (Running his tongue slowly over his lips) Hello, father…

The Audience: OH NO HE DI'NT!


	30. Scene 29

SCENE TWENTY- NINE: E Coli Puffs

Dumbledore: Hogwarts has suffered a really terrible loss. We've lost a friend, a student, a prefect, a Quidditch player, the only hot Hufflepuff, and most importantly, a very strapping young man. I am speaking, of course, of none other than… JARVIS COCKER! Psych!

Draco: I will not cry, I will not cry, I will not cry, I will not cry… aw shucks… WAAAAAAH! (He sobs into Crabbe's shoulder. Crabbe sobs into Goyle's shoulder. Goyle sobs into Ron' shoulder. Ron sobs into Hermione's shoulder. Hermione sobs into Neville's shoulder. Neville sobs into Trevor's shoulder.

Trevor: What a bunch of pansies.

Pansy Parkinson: I resent that!

Snape: I will not laugh maniacally, I will not laugh maniacally, I will not laugh maniacally…

(Cut to the dormitory. Harry is sitting on his bed, gazing moodily into thin air.)

Dumbledore: Hi, Harry. You look unhappy. You need to find an outlet for your stress.

Harry: Yeah, I tried singing. Bad things happened. And believe me when I say 'bad things.'

Dumbledore: Why not try setting fires for fun and profit? I showed a young emo boy named Tom Riddle how to set a wardrobe on fire, and he's since grown up to be a prominent dark lord offended by cheerful songs!

Harry: And that's supposed to be encouraging why?

Dumbledore: Shut up. Basically, I came here to tell you something deep and meaningful about making choices. So do it wisely, okay? Especially at Momma Morsmordre's Evil Pizzeria and Buffet, because the E Coli Puffs are not good at all.

Harry: Er, sir?

Dumbledore: Yes?

Harry: Can you just leave me to sulk and gaze moodily into thin air by myself?

Dumbledore: Fine. Be that way. You'll thank me when you're older. (He flounces away.)

(Suddenly cut to a happy and cheerful scene. It's the end of the year. Everyone's hugging.)

Krum: Here, Hermy-own. I really want you to write to me over the summer! Here's my address!

Ron: Oh, how sweet. Here, "Hermy-own", let me burn it, I mean, put it somewhere safe for you!

Hermione: Everything's going to change now, isn't it?

Ron: Yeah, whatevs… as long as the Hogwarts kitchen still serves treacle tarts, I'm good.

Hermione: Hmph! (She flounces away.)

Ron: We never get a quiet year at Hogwarts, do we?

_Song: Four Short Years (Based on "One Short Day" from "Wicked.")_

Choir: Four short years Harry's spent here at Hogwarts!

Harry: Oh, it's always so hard coming home from Hogwarts.

Choir: Four short years Harry's spent here at Hogwarts!  
Four short years Harry's spent here at Hogwarts  
Four short years fighting off you-know-who.  
Every way that you look here at Hogwarts  
There's imminent danger  
For him, Ron, and Granger  
And magic to do!

Harry: There are dragons as tall as this darn place!  
Ron: My dress robes are adorned with lace!  
Harry: This chalice says that I have to compete!  
Ron: There are girls here like I've never seen!  
Harry: Dark Lord came back, he's really mean!  
Both: We have to dance, but both have two left feet!

Choir: Four short years that they've spent here at Hogwarts  
Four short years, but a lifetime of trials!  
Four short years!

Harry and Ron: Both of us and our cohorts  
Through the time we've been here  
All that we've seen here  
Shocks, awes, and reviles!

Ron: (spoken) Harry, come on, you'll be late to catch the train home!

People on the train: Who's the boy, the boy who's life has been scarier  
Than anyone's? Why, Harry here!  
Who's the boy who likes to risk  
His life to save our posteriors!  
Whose enthuse for Dark Lord defeating?  
Has prevented much Death Eating?  
OooOOooOO, isn't he wonderful?  
A wonderful wizard?

Harry and Ron: Four short years that we've spent at this school here.  
Four short years, and four best-selling books!  
What a way to be spending our teen years.  
Harry: But the year is done now.  
Ron: We're going home now!  
Both: But through all our hopes, dreams, and fears…  
Harry: We're just two friends.  
Ron: Two good friends.  
Harry: Two best friends!  
Both: Sharing the magic in FOUR… SHORT…

Conductor: The muggles will see you now!

Both: YEEEEEEAAAAAAAAARS!!!!

THE END!!!!!

A/N: There you go. I hope you liked it. :) :) :) Thank you for reading it. :) :) Please tell me what you think of it. From Luna-Lovegood-Fan.


End file.
